Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of
kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the
front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

Then a third child brought the argument to a close...

"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[BrilloPad]

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during
his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking
directly at the richest man in town.

At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced,
"Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man
on the shoulder.

He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase
my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and
again he this time he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double
my last pledge."

He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.

He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give
$20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him
again!"

[daviejones]

Apple

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size.

This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[daviejones]

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the moms pulls a Photo album out of her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would be 24 now."

The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."

Mom says, "He's a martyr now."

"Oh, so sad, my dear."

Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kali. He would be 21."

"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."

Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."

"Oh gracious me" says the second mother.

"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.! He would be 18" Mom whispers.

"Yes" says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also" Mom says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says:

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[daviejones]

This guy walks into a bar in Cornwall and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from London."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in London?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

[Chantho]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size.

This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[BrilloPad]

Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy - and their significant
others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all
drowned,
and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head
sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much,
you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You
loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named
Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't
look, good, Dick."

[BrilloPad]

(Yeah we've all seen the first bit...but read on)

The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended
for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.

1. HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have
been thinking about him, and are concerned bout his needs. Most men
are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of
the warm welcome needed.

2. PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be
fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a
little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up schoolbooks,
toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will
feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift
too.

4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN. Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see
them playing the part.

5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Greet him with a warm smile and kiss, letting him know you're glad to see
him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.

7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair
or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready
for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a
low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out
to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. THE GOAL: try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.

************************************************** ************
AND NOW, WELCOME TO THE NEW MILLENNIUM, Boys...
(probably a column in the latest girlie magazine)
************************************************** ************

1. HAVE DINNER READY: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd
like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been
crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. PREPARE YOURSELF: Make sure to change out of your work clothes
into something comfortable. Who cares if he likes it or not . .after all,
it's most likely his T-shirt and boxers.

3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER: Yeah right! Tell the kids and your husband if
they want maid service, they better call one!

4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN: Send the children to their rooms to watch
television or play with their Play Stations.

5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE: Yell to him over the loud music your kids are
playing, that this is what you had to put up with while he was gone.
And mention that it was his decision to buy the kids a new CD player in
the first place.

6. SOME DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain
fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner,
simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the
dishes for him to do.

7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's
cold. This will really show you care.

8. LISTEN TO HIM: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out
to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go
shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls'
Night Out!"

10. THE GOAL: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that
he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it
revolves around you.

[BrilloPad]

"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI
Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers
that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and
cover letters. Here's some examples:

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy,
and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)

"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some.
If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem ...)

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)

"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)

"I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)

"I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

"Objection: To utilise my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)

"Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
(So you're willing to travel?)

"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)

"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's
girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)

[BrilloPad]

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken
out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist
responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!! NISSAN!!! Made
in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!! Very
fast!!!"

The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to get a little
miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet
another car passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport.
"Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "that'll
be $150."

"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"

"Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."