Have you heard Salman Rushdie has written a sequel to the "The Satanic Verses"?
It's called "The Pope's a Coont".
It's called "The Pope's a Coont".
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Hard Brexit now!
#prayfornodeal -
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was
greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my God!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound
lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."Comment
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He
gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with
both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing
on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous
taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to
life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"**** off" she said, "they're for the funeral."Comment
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The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you.
And then it hit me"Wait, I still function!"Comment
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Please refrain from posting elderly jokes like that. I thought I'd been transported back ten years in time.Originally posted by sasguru View PostComment
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A spastic and his mate board a train. After a while, a girl in the opposing carriage jumps up and flashes her tits.
The mate says to the spastic "That girl just showed you her boobies, quick show her your nuts".
The spastic instantly gets up, looks at the girl and says "Uwamgyt wahmigjuut sthaieutry""Wait, I still function!"Comment
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."Comment
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A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."Comment
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