Please put more jokes here

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On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast.. They heard the announcer
Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so the snowploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street,
so the snowploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast,when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.You must
park....." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the f-----ng car in the garage this time."

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I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my gran's dinner. I feel sneaky,but if i ever got her pregnent i woundn't be able to forgive myself

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Is it too early to start telling jokes about the Haiti earthquake or should we wait until the dust settles ?

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Someone asked me the other day "whats your pet hate" ?
I said "it really doesn't like things shoved up it's arse"

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I can still remember playtime at school.
Footy, sneaking a quick ciggy and trying to finger girls behind the bike sheds

I ******* loved that caretakers job !

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Four blokes in a prison cell, a Beastaphile a sadist a necrophiliac and a gay.
The Beastaphile says "if there was a cat in here I would **** it till I pass out"
The Sadist nods and says "once your done with it I would torture it to death"
The Necrophiliac sighs and says "oh yeh and once it was dead I would **** it till I passed out"
The Gay bloke, sitting quietly in the corner quietly says "meow"

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Alcohol free lager: its like licking your sisters minge.It tastes the same but its just not right

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A woman gets home from working a nightshift and decides to wake her husband by giving him oral sex. She climbs under the duvet, gently spreads his legs then sucks his brains out til he quivers & cums like never before. She then goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds her husband having a shave. 'WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?' she yells.... 'Sshhh' he says 'you'll wake your father.'

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Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

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A Jehovas witness gave me an advent calendar todayand **** me,the first door that i opened there were 2 of the bastards stood there