Please put more jokes here

[darmstadt]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.I got a call center in Iraq.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.

[darmstadt]

For those who slept through World History 101.. here is a condensed
version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

Tile two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modem civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed c lose to the brewery. Thats how villages
were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the
Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
divide all the meat and beer that cons ervatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.

Modem liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept
in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get
more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history...... It should be noted that a
liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it.

A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolut e
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.

[darmstadt]

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".
His girlfriend is lying in bed and says:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep you idiot"
The man replies:
"I wasn't talking to you!"

[darmstadt]

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card and wrote Revelation 3:20 which says "Behold I stand at the door and knock." and stuck it in the doorjamb.
The following Sunday when the offering was processed, he found that his card had been returned with this cryptic message, and he burst into laughter. The message added was from Genesis 3:10, which reads. "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

[BrilloPad]

Q, How many calories do you burn up during sex?
A, Real orgasms – 112. Fake ones – 1,135. Calmly dressing afterwards – 32. Dressing while with your husband is knocking at the door – 8,521.


Q. What is it?
All men have one.
Some are longer than others.
The Pope never uses his.
When he gets married, the man gives it to his wife.
A. His name.

A guy comes home early and finds his wife in bed with another man. ‘What the hell are you doing?’ Shouts the irate husband. ‘See?’ The wife says to the man lying beside her, ‘didn’t I tell you he doesn't know a thing about sex?’

[BrilloPad]

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

[BrilloPad]

Here are the
winners of the Washington Post's annual Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


Cashtration
(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period of time.


Ignoranus:

A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.


Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


Bozone ( n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in
the near future.


Foreploy:

Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.


Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.


Sarchasm:

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person
who doesn't get it.


Inoculatte:

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)


Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.


Decafalon
(n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido:

All talk and no action.


Dopeler Effect:

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


Arachnoleptic
Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


Beelzebug
(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


Caterpallor (n.):

The color you turn after finding half a word in the fruit you're eating.


The Post also published the winning submissions to its yearly
contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms

Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent, n . An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[BrilloPad]

For all those men who say, 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk free?' Here's an update for you!

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!!!!

[Money Money Money]

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley.

One of them was a salted.

[Money Money Money]

What do you do if you find an epileptic in the bath?

Throw your washing in.