The only thing that's guaranteed to go down well at Christmas is my bank balance.
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After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Rachael replied, "That’s me before the surgery.""Wait, I still function!"Comment
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I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Liverpool yesterday, and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people.
I said, "Look, Mr.Gerrard, you chose to play for Liverpool.""Wait, I still function!"Comment
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Today during dinner my son had hardly touched his plate and the wife said, "Think of the poor children in Africa, Kyle"
He said back to her, "Do they have to eat this tulipe too?"
High fiving didn't impress her too much either."Wait, I still function!"Comment
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The English Penny
EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the Phrase "Spending a Penny" is NOT to be used. after 31st December 2009. From this date the correct terminology will be "Euronating".Comment
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What do I think of the Indianapolis 500?
I think they are all guilty.Comment
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A maid for a wealthy family asks the wife of the house for a pay rise. The wife is very upset about this and asks why.
'Three reasons,' says the maid. 'The first is that I iron better than you do.'
'Who says you iron better than me? the wife snaps, offended.
'Your husband does,' the maid replies.
'The second reason is that I'm a much better cook than you are.'
'Nonsense!' the wife scoffs. 'Who says you are a better cook than me?'
'Your husband does,' the maid replies.
'And the third reason?' the wife asks.
'I'm a better lover than you,' the maid says.
The wife is now furious. 'Did my husband tell you that as well?' she storms.
'Oh no, madam,' the maid whispers.
'The gardener did.'Comment
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Good gag for next time you're on an airplane and the fella next to you falls asleep:
Ask the stewardess to borrow her demonstration mask, put it on and shake him awake with an alarmed look on your face."Wait, I still function!"Comment
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Price Of Love
While walking through town one afternoon, the young priest was approached by a woman who purred,
"A quickie for twentyfive pounds?". Obviousily confused by this advance, the father simply continued on his way;
but within a short span of time, another prostitute beckoned him with, "A quickie for twentyfive pounds?"
The priest returned to his parish and encountered the mother superior. His curiosity overcame him and
he asked "Mother, what's a quickie?"
"Twentyfive pounds," replied the nun, "same as in town."
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I was abducted by aliens - now I am back.
Ratty!Comment
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