Please put more jokes here

[Swiss Tony]

Just where exactly does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg?

[Swiss Tony]

My wife asked me "what do you think is the most slow and painful way to die?"

"Marriage" isn't what she was expecting to hear.

[BrilloPad]

A man and his wife have an argument in bed. Next day, feeling guilty, the wife decides to buy her husband a present to make amends. As he’s fond of playing golf, she goes into the specialist shop and asks the assistant for ideas.The assistant suggests a putter, showing her one of his finest. ‘It’s £150,’ he says. ‘It sounds expensive but includes an inscription of your choice.’‘What sort of inscription?’ the wife asks.‘Well,’ he replies, ‘one of the old golfers’ favourites is Never Up, Never In.’‘Oh no, that wouldn’t do!’ the wife says. ‘That’s what started the argument in the first place.’




A girl at the office was leaning over her desk showing plenty of leg when her boss came in and asked: ‘What’s that creeping up your leg?’

Without turning around she replied: ‘Your eyes, I expect.’





A man told his wife: ‘Men are like wine they mature with age.’ So she locked him in the cellar.





An old man comes home in the middle of the day to find his young, attractive wife standing in the middle of their flooded luxurious apartment wearing only a G-string and high heels. ‘What happened here?’ he asks.

‘The whole apartment is flooded, I think the water bed burst,’ she explains.

Suddenly a naked man floats past them.

‘Who’s that?’ demands her husband.

‘I don’t know,’ replies his wife, ‘must be a lifeguard.’

[DaveB]

If you get Eagles in Golf, and Ducks in Cricket, what do you get in Bowls?


























Goldfish....


igmc

[Swiss Tony]

'Scientists announce planet bounty'.

The same scientists that announced the planet Mars I assume.

[Swiss Tony]

My mate just stole my Thesaurus.
Frankly I'm lost for words.

[Swiss Tony]

My dad hit the dog with his slippers, I dont know whats worse,

Him hitting the dog, Or the dog having slippers.

[Swiss Tony]

You know, modern public toilets have hand dryers and soap dispensers you don't need to touch.

They have motion detector toilets and urinals that flush themselves, as well as taps that run when you put your hands underneath them.

All those thousands of pounds of taxpayer's money spent to keep us from swapping sh*t with our fellow "Gotta Go Now"-ers, and it's wasted when you get to the dripping door handle you're forced to shake hands with on the way out.

[Swiss Tony]

Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.

We're a cover band.

[Swiss Tony]

old but good 'Holy Prostitutes'

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of road when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the car park is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the road and was interested in possibly doing business.....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place £50 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts £50 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the car park facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.