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Please put more jokes here

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    Cleaning out my attic yesterday and I found an old Commodore that's been there for years.
    That'll teach him to go dancing on the ceiling!
    “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

    Comment


      BEER SNOBS. Save a fortune on "craft ales with citrus notes" by drinking a can of Fosters through a KFC wet wipe.
      “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

      Comment


        I hold your hand in mine, dear
        I press it to my lips
        I take a healthy bite
        From your dainty fingertips

        My joy would be complete, dear
        If only you were here
        But still I keep your hand
        As a precious souvenir

        The night you died I cut it off
        I really don't know why
        For now each time I kiss it
        I get bloodstains on my tie

        I'm sorry now I killed you
        For our love was something fine
        And till they come to get me
        I shall hold your hand in mine.

        - Tom Lehrer
        {emotionless greeting}

        Three Word Slogan

        Comment


          Make jam doughnuts less calorific by licking the sugar off them before consuming.
          {emotionless greeting}

          Three Word Slogan

          Comment


            If you're a villain making a bomb, can I suggest using the same colour for all the wires.
            {emotionless greeting}

            Three Word Slogan

            Comment


              One for Brillo

              A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
              "May be" says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?"
              The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                one for AssGuru

                When I was in a mental hospital I used to write my name on the walls in tulip and run around naked with my underpants over my head.
                If you think that was bad, you should have seen some of the stuff my patients did!
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  one for spooter

                  The Goal: Reduce UK binge drinking by half.

                  The Plan: Scottish independence.
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    Those Lidl bags for life are stronger than we thought
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      I got an odd-job man in.

                      He was useless.

                      Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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