Please put more jokes here

[DaveB]

conjunctivitis.com

That's a site for sore eyes.

[DaveB]

How do you handle explosive cheese?

Caerphilly.

[shaunbhoy]

Punter : Can you give me the odds of a Green one-legged Unicorn appearing on the pitch during Celtic's opening League match against Hearts?

Ladbrokes : I am afraid we cannot offer odds on something that ridiculous!

Punter : Okay, can you give me the odds of Rangers stopping Celtic from winning 10 league titles in a row?

Ladbrokes : What colour Unicorn did you want odds on?

[shaunbhoy]

I have a terrible memory. I'd go so far as to say that it's the worst thing about me apart from my terrible memory.

[shaunbhoy]

I tried a bit of finger painting yesterday.
Wish I hadn't bothered, it took me 8 hours just to do the skirting boards.

[shaunbhoy]

Beyonce has just discovered that Roy Castle was really her father. Can't see her taking his surname somehow.

[shaunbhoy]

I was in Aldershot earlier to-day,came across this poor man with a begging cap.He only had one eye,one arm,and one leg, and had a cardboard sign which read.
I WAS A SOLDIER FIGHTING IN THE FALKLANDS WAR.
NOW I HAVE NO HOME.
NO MONEY TO BUY FOOD.
AND MY GOVERNMENT WILL NOT HELP ME.
PLEASE HELP ME....
My heart went out to him,so I gave him £10. said,"It's not much old son,but it'll buy you some fish&chips,and a pint."
He looked up at me,with a smile from ear to ear,and said."Muchas gracias amigo."..........

[shaunbhoy]

GET more attention from shop staff by asking on arrival "Where are your most expensive and yet least secure items?"

[shaunbhoy]

My ex girlfriend had a fantastic set of Boobs!!!. However one was bigger than the other. She wasn't really that self conscious until she entered a wet t shirt contest and came 1st and 3rd!!.

[LondonManc]

""Mayday! Mayday! I'm a blind passenger in a small aircraft. The pilot is dead and the plane is flying upside down."

Air Traffic Control: "If you're blind, how do you know you're flying upside down?"

"The tulip is running down my back!"