Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

For Pogle(yeah I know its Guinea Pigs)

Got the wife a new coat made from hamster fur......real bargain. Went to Blackpool last week and she spent six ******* hours on the big wheel

[WTFH]

Tip of the day:
If your inflatable sex doll starts crying, don't get your hopes up - it's not developing feelings for you, it just needs emptying.

[shaunbhoy]

AA MECHANICS. Pretend you’ve had paramedic training by shouting, “ Clear!” when attaching jump leads to a car battery.

[shaunbhoy]

I'm not saying it's rough where I live, but they sell Father's Day cards in packs of five.

[shaunbhoy]

ENJOY the real spirit of Fathers Day by doing whatever your kids want to do, while wearing new socks.

[shaunbhoy]

Interviewer: 'So where do you see yourself in 5-years time?'

Me: 'My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.'

[shaunbhoy]

PREPARE yourself for a Tarantino movie by popping to your ma's for a cuppa and listening to 15 short stories that make no sense.

[shaunbhoy]

I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' and I must say I was very pleased with the result.
Those piranhas don't mess about!

[shaunbhoy]

My boss asked me to put some slides together for a meeting. Halfway through filling up the paddling pool I realised he meant in power point.

[SimonMac]

A gambler was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The gambler made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The gambler was elated.
He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,
And awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on .
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race
And blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The gambler knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile.
Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'My Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,
You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'