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Please put more jokes here

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    Commuters - get better value for money by sitting upstairs on the bus. Given the circumference of the earth, you will travel 0.00000012% further than your fellow passengers downstairs, who have paid exactly the same fare.
    The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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      ABSENT MINDED people. Don't waste money on post-it notes. Simply find an elephant that lives locally and tell them whatever it is you need remembering
      “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

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        When skiing, always carry a dog biscuit in your pocket. That way, in the event of an avalanche, the rescue dog will find you first.
        The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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          My wife has said she's leaving me because I've put CCTV all round the house.
          I can see where she's coming from.
          “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

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            EXPERIENCE being a rugby player by trying to get from one end of Eccles town Centre to the other without being signed up to a charity.
            “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

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              ANARCHISTS - when destroying the state, take care not to burn down your dole office.
              The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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                I bumped into one of my old classmates the other day, thinning hair, beer belly, grey moustache. She's really let herself go!
                “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

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                  MASOCHISTS - when nailing your scrotum to the kitchen table for purposes of sexual gratification, always ensure that you leave the pliers within arms' reach, not in your toolbox in the shed.
                  The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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                    Teach your kids how tax works by taking all their sweets off them and telling them to f*** off.
                    The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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                      The Wife(tm) has left me because I'm too insecure.


                      No, wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.
                      I'm perfect, in a very specific and limited way.
                      Hands... out infractions
                      Face... the music
                      Space... between the ears

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