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Please put more jokes here

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    Bit of politics

    What's the difference between a black man and a box of donuts?

    One of them's already full of holes before the cops see them.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      "Don't go in the church." I shouted at the telly, cowering behind a cushion. "There's evil in there."

      My wife said, "What you watching, an horror film?"

      "No," I replied. "Our wedding video."
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        too true

        A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

        "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

        The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ******* fault!
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          So I went past a Chinese restaurant earlier and I was rather surprised to see a "No dogs!" sign in the window.

          My being rather slow, I forgot that restaurants get rather annoyed if you take your own food to their establishments.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            I've got that new snapchat filter that turns you into an ugly bastard.

            For some reason I can't find how to turn it off..
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              My wife and I settled down to watch Enter The Dragon last night.
              Or, our honeymoon video, as she insists on calling it.
              The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

              Comment


                I took my wife to the doctor's about her Tourettes.

                It's not good news - she's not got it - it turns out I really am a twat who should feck off.
                Last edited by mudskipper; 2 October 2016, 15:29.

                Comment


                  Originally posted by mudskipper View Post
                  It's not good news - it turns out I really am a twat who should feck off.
                  This is a section for jokes you know..

                  'CUK forum personality of 2011 - Winner - Yes really!!!!

                  Comment


                    Originally posted by mudskipper View Post
                    I took my wife to the doctor's about her Tourettes.

                    It's not good news - she's not got it - it turns out I really am a twat who should feck off.
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      BLUE OYSTER CULT: As you are all seventy or over I think you really should start to fear the reaper.
                      {emotionless greeting}

                      Three Word Slogan

                      Comment

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