Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country,
the president narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI,
and the Chicago Police. The three remaining contenders were given the
task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout.
They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they
burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They
made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly
beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a
rabbit".

[BrilloPad]

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby
delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would
transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked
if
they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of
it.
The doctor set the knob to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10%
was
probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as
the
labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump
it
up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The
husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed
at
how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50%. The
husband
continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his
wife
considerably, they encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to
him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the postman was dead on their
front porch.

[BrilloPad]

> This, unfortunately, is a true story.
>
> In March, 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia)
> received a bill
> for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it
> and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one
> away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note
> stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them
> $0.00
> by return mail.
>
> He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and they
> would take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about
> time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was
> usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
> However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
>
> He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again
> and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
> $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken
> to
> them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake and he
> ignored
> it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the
> problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had
> 10
> days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover
> the debt.
>
> Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game
> and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
> account
> and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company
> nothing at all. A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the
> Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what
> he
> was doing writing cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank
> manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing
> software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they
> had
> received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00
> had caused the computer to crash.
>
> The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
> claiming
> that his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he
> sent a cheque by return mail they would be taking steps to recover the
> debt.
> The man then tried to file a debt harassment claim against the gas
> company.
>
> It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks that he was not joking -
> but convince them he did. They subsequently provided statements which
> were
> considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and
> difficulties the man had been forced to endure during this debacle.
>
> The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
> was
> this:
>
> The gas company was ordered to:
>
> [1] immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show
> cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher
> court for
> consideration under Company Law;
>
> [2] pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man;
>
> [3] pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients
> whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been;
>
> [4] pay the claimant's court costs; and
>
> [5] pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
> March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
> caused
> their
> client to suffer.

[BrilloPad]

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a
young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that",
said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his
early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me
masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving
it for when I get married", said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup
truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

[BrilloPad]

Not sure how well this translates from NZ to English, but here goes:

How a Bloke Drives a Bloke's Car
Driving is an operation very close to a Bloke's Heart. If he's in the townie car (the V8) then of course he'll be on his best behaviour and hoping
to make a good impression. He'll be wearing his dress-black-singlet and the reserve pair of RedBand boots without the cowpat polish.

Important Tips
Bear in mind these simple rules when driving.

The arm is always hanging out the drivers window. All times of the year. A Kiwi-Bloke Driver can be detected in any crowd because of the
difference in tans of his left and right arms.

The driver's window being down, it is a simple procedure to yell "Mate!" to anyone a bloke happens to recognise whilst driving.

Similarly, the Horn is always in Standby Mode in case you see someone you recognise or you are trapped behind some nervous learner
driver who will crap themselves at the sound of premium Holden Horns. Woopsy.

The stereo is on, not loud enough so that you can't hear if the V8's running a bit rough, but loud enough that you can't hear the handbrake
going on about how her mum should be in the back seat and the dog in the boot, not vice versa. That way you're not tempted to say
"I thought she was". No need to have a domestic while you're enjoying yourself

Blokes don't adjust their face in the rear view mirror. That's posing.

Real Blokes don't shave in the rear view mirror either, it's too dangerous to have an axe floating around when you're driving.

A Bloke always obeys the road laws. Except for the one about reversing repeatedly into the boy racer behind you who leant on the horn
of his mother's car once too often.

A Bloke laughs derisively at Petrol Heads who have to pull over to show each other their chrome-plated inlet manifold. However, it is
perfectly acceptable for a bloke to show another bloke what a damned good job he made of the mods to the steering rack..

Parking is an important thing to get right. The aims of parking are to get close enough to the entrance of the supermarket so that you
don't pop your rivet carrying those six cases of baked beans and the pallet of bog paper back to the car on grocery day. For this reason
the trusty Holden has a sump that can handle the odd traffic island or kerb should an emergency park be necessary. It is important to
check, however, that there is not the six-foot diameter black puddle on the ground when you pull away..

Parking meters are a pain in the arse as well, but a problem that can be easily overcome if your backing skills aren't what they should be.
It is then a simple matter to write to the council and say that you thought the meter was broken when it was laying on the ground like that.
And that you didn't want to give yourself a hernia trying to put coins into it to see if it worked...

Sometimes it will be necessary to overtake another vehicle, especially on Sundays when the older townies are on day-release from the
old-folks home. To overtake in safety, you should give the poor old bugger plenty of time to react by hitting the airhorns about 10 seconds
before you start your maneuvour, and keeping them on until a couple of seconds after. Believe me, they appreciate the warning and quite
often pull over for a little lie-down because they're so happy.

Road Works are an important hazard to be on the look out for. As soon as you hit some really bad road works, you'll immediately realise
that it's exactly like driving down the access road during winter when they've just chucked the gravel down. Beware that to townie drivers
this is unknown territory and they're liable to do anything. If it's tourist season, be doubly aware because they'll do anything too, but
probably all at once.

Driving Hazards

Learner Drivers
Bastards wearing hats, especially bowling hats
Tourists, all kinds
Old people (See also "Bastards wearing hats")
Non-Blokes

[BrilloPad]

Belgian customs stop a car load at the French border.

Zis car eez overload, it 'as 5 persons in it.
It eez only allowed 4 persons.

Rubbish, it's got 5 seats and 5 seat belts.

No, no, it eez overload. It eez Audi Quattro - so only
4 persons allowed. Zat eez why it eez called ze Quattro !

Ok, you twat, let me talk to your superior officer.

Eez busy.

Doing what ?

Eez over zere, arguing wiz zose 2 men in ze Fiat Uno !!

[BrilloPad]

There was a farm that had three stud bulls to keep up the herd's
population. One day the biggest bull walks up to the other two bulls and
says, "the farmer's bringing in another bull. I'll be damned if the new
guy is gettin' any of MY cows!"

The second biggest bull says: "Damn straight! He's not gettin' any of MY
cows either!"

The smallest bull says: "I'm with you guys, I'm not giving up any of MY
cows!"

Well, the cattle trailer pulls up and out strides the biggest, meanest
looking bull they'd ever seen. So the biggest bull says: "What the hay, I
can give up some cows. I don't need to be greedy."

The second biggest bull says: "Yeah, no sense in trying to hoard all the
cows."

Meanwhile, the smallest bull is pawing the ground and snorting like he
means to get busy kicking some ass. The other bulls notice and say: "Look,
kid... He'll kill you. A few cows aren't worth it."

The smallest bull stops pawing, looks up and says: "Hell, he can HAVE the
cows. I just want to be sure he knows I'm a bull!"

[BrilloPad]

Idiomatic Ups and Downs

We sit down to dinner and sit up to the table, drinking up our wine by
drinking it down. The soup may be thinned down if it has been thickened up
by boiling down after being boiled up, and the coffee ground down by
grinding it up. After the meal we can rest up by lying down on a bed which
has been made up and turned down.

Possibly we go up to University on a down train and spend our time writing
up notes by writing them down. If we are not sent down we might be sent up
by being turned down after turning up for an interview.

It is prudent to save up so that we can make down payments and avoid
running up bills and running down our bank balance. Our house might be
burnt down and our belongings burnt up or we might be knocked up by being
knocked down, so it is down to us to put up our insurance premium.
Likewise we might trip up tripping down stairs or rub up the dog the wrong
way by rubbing him down, although if we can't put up with him we can
always put him down.

At the office we seal up envelopes by sealing them down, and tie down
packages by tying them up. If up in arms or down in the mouth we can
always give up and down tools and shut up shop by shutting down. Before
closing up we can have a closing-down sale. After all it is always
possible to put up for parliament after putting down a deposit - you never
know you might be in the running for a seat on a standing committee.

[BrilloPad]

London Slang (OPINIONS EXPRESSED ARE NOT MINE)

beer scooter - the ability to get home after a night out on
the booze and not remember it. i.e. "I don't even remember getting home
last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".

one in the departure lounge - the need to defecate imminently.

aeroplane blond - one who has dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'!

aeroplane skirt - a skirt with a very long slit up it that goes all the way
up to the 'cockpit'.

Pearl Harbour - cold (weather). This is one I have heard from
a fair few people recently. An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl
Harbour out there !". Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air !

badly packed kebab - a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the 'vag1na'.

Britney Spears - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Give us a couple of
Britney's will ya Doreen".

Bruce Lee's - erect nipples (as in a pair of hard 'nips'. This ignores the
fact that Bruce Lee was Chinese).

Bum Gravy - This one speaks for itself ! You may get this after a dodgy curry.

bunny boiler - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit
boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction" e.g. "I don't like the look of
her mate, could be a bunny boiler".

council gritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'sh1tter'. e.g. "Does she take it
up the council ?".

Donald Trump - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'dump' (defecate).
e.g. "I'm just nipping out for a Donald".

drink-link - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM).
Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze!

furry monkey - slang term for vagina. As used by Daisy Donovan on Channel
4's Eleven O'Clock Show.

greyhound - a very short skirt. From the fact that a greyhound on a
racetrack) is close to the hare (hair). i.e. "Blimey look at
the greyhound on that bird!".

Jackson Pollock(s) - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'bollocks' (testicles). e.g."He
needs a good kick in the Jackson's".

Johnny-no-stars - a young man of substandard intelligence,
i.e. the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The
no-stars' bit comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food
restaurants often wear which show their level of training.

Leo Sayer - an 'all-dayer' (drinking or a rave etc).

mumblers - used when you spot an attractive girl in tight
shorts or similar clothes i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't
quite make out what they're saying.

Nelson Mandela - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the Belgian lager).

Pat Cash - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'slash' (to urinate).

pictures of the queen - paper money, notes. e.g. "How do you want payin ?",
"Pictures of the queen mate !".

ragmans coat - untidy and very hairy vag1na. e.g. "Yeah, she looks quite fit
but I bet she's got one like a ragmans coat !"

release a chocolate hostage - to defecate. e.g. " I'm just nipping out to
release a chocolate hostage".

ricockulous - a more extreme version of the word 'ridiculous'.
Good for when you want to add more emphasis.

salad dodger - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.

skin chimney - excellent (but disgusting of course) term for vagina.

spam fritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'sh1tter' (anus). Similar to "Gary
Glitter".

Steve McQueen's - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'jeans'.

swamp donkey - an unattractive woman. e.g. "Blimey, have you seen those swamp
donkeys sitting in the corner!".

tart fuel - similar to 'b1tch p1ss', bottled alcopop's regularly drunk by
young women.

tea towel holder - the anus. Derived from the fact that those round plastic
holders that you push tea towels into resemble the anus.

tropical fish - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'piss', pron. 'pish'
(in a Scottish way ?). An example of an abbreviated way of using it would
be to say "I'm off for a tropie".

Turkish bath - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'laugh'. e.g. "You're 'avin a Turkish
mate!".

up on blocks - having a period (menstruating). i.e. Out of action, a bit like
a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the
missus is up on blocks".

Wallace and Gromit - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

wizard's sleeve - a large (cavernous) vagina. May be a creation of the 'Viz'
comic.

Wyatt Earp - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'burp'.

Wynona Ryder - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Can I
have a pint'a Wynona and half a Nelson".

[BrilloPad]

Did you ever wish you could remember Norm's greetings on "Cheers"?

SAM: "What's shaking Norm?"
NORM: "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

SAM: "What's new Normie?"
NORM: "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach
and they're demanding beer."

SAM: "What'd you like Normie?"
NORM: "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

SAM: "What'll you have Normie?"
NORM: "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take
a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
SAM: "Looks like beer, Norm."
NORM: "Call me Mister Lucky."

SAM: "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
NORM: "Like a baby treats a diaper."

WOODY: "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
Let's cut to the happy ending."

WOODY: "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
NORM: "I know. If she calls, I'm not here."

SAM: "Beer, Norm?"
NORM: "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

SAM: "Whatcha up to Norm?"
NORM: "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Poor."
WOODY: "I'm sorry to hear that."
NORM: "No, I mean pour."

SAM: "How's life treating you Norm?"
NORM: "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

SAM: "What's going down, Normie?"
NORM: "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

WOODY: "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Alright, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty."

WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing
Milk Bone underwear."

SAM: "What's the story, Norm?"
NORM: "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer.
Boy meets another beer."

WOODY: "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson?
A beer please, Woody."

WOODY: "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
WOODY: "For a beer?"
NORM: "No, for stupid questions."