Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You
pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue
reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a
job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to
die,and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay
him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover
again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer.
WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: I would give the car keys to my old friend, and
let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for
the bus with the woman of my dreams.

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations. Never forget to Think Outside of the Box.

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her
out of her misery, sh*g the perfect partner against the bus stop and drive
off with the old friend for a drink.

[BrilloPad]

1. Silence, the ultimate challenge: Where no woman has ever been
2. The undiscovered bank feature: How to deposit money
3. Parties: How to survive without new clothes
4. Take care of your husband: Small domestic tasks can wait till after the game
5. Bathroom etiquette 1: Men also need cupboard space
6. Bathroom etiquette 2: His razor is his
7. Advanced communication 1: Tears - the last resort, not the first
8. Advanced communication 2: How to think before speaking
9. Advanced communication 3: How to get what you want without pestering
10. Safe driving: A skill you CAN master
11. Telephone skills: How to hang up
12. Parking: An introduction
13. Advanced parking: Parallel parking
14. Cooking 1: Bring eggs, bacon and butter back into the kitchen
15. Cooking 2: Bran is not fit for human consumption
16. Cooking 3: How not to impose your diets on others
17. Compliments: How to receive them gracefully
18. Menstruation: Your problem, not his
19. TV remote controls: For men only
20. Classic clothes: How to wear clothes you already own
21. Dust: A natural occurrence that only women notice
22. Laundry integration: How to wash everything together
23. Oil and gas: You car needs both
24. Shopping: You need not bring your husband

[BrilloPad]

Police are probing a gambling ring in the southern Israeli town of Kiryat
Malachi suspected of putting its money on a grim game of chance --
predicting the target of the next Palestinian suicide bombing. Local
gamblers can fill out a form that gives odds for different cities and
regions in Israel, the Tel Aviv weekly Zman Tel Aviv reported. We are
checking into it to see if there is a violation of the gambling laws,"
police spokesman Gil Kleiman said. "We're not getting into the moral
aspect."

The reigning world champion stinging nettle chomper has retained his title
by eating his way through a record equalling 76ft of the plants. Simon
Sleigh, from Forkchurch, Dorset, took on a field of a dozen gastronomic
gladiators at a country pub and confessed after his hour long fiery feast:
"I hate the bloody things, honest. I made every effort to make sure it
did not hurt, it comes with experience," he said, admitting that washing
the leaves down with beer was a factor which "helped enormously".

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder's Social Democrats have picked an
unorthodox way to try reaching voters: condoms in the party's bright red
color. Red boxes containing 100 condoms with the slogan Feel Good, SPD"
are being sold at a gift shop at the party's headquarters for 44 euros
($40).

You don't need to be a mutant to enjoy three-legged pantyhose. If one U.S.
inventor has his way, all women will soon enjoy an extra appendage on
their underwear. It's a solution to an age-old problem: an unsightly run
in your hosiery. Not with "Panty Hose X 3" (U.S. Patent No. 5,713,081).
With this newfangled contraption, you just simply rotate the pantyhose and
slip your leg into a new, unblemished leg. The damaged hosiery leg then
tucks into a crotch pocket.

Passengers who are too large to squeeze between the arm rests of Southwest
Airlines Co. seats will be charged double for flying the low-cost carrier,
the company said on Wednesday. Starting next Wednesday, its "people of
size" policy will require passengers who need seat-belt extensions or
cannot lower the arm rests on their seats to purchase two seats if they
are flying on a plane near or at capacity.

A scuba-diving couple got married in a shark-filled tank on Tuesday to
protest the rising demand for the Chinese delicacy, shark fin soup, which
environmentalists claim is leading to sharks' decimation. "We wanted to
something different and help raise consciousness of the environment," said
the bride, Julia Khoo, after she tied the knot with Lester Kwok at
Underwater World, an aquarium on Singapore's Sentosa Island.

South Korea is so pleased with its country's World Cup performance that
all of the team's players are being excused compulsory military service
duties. South Korea's defence minister Chun Yong-taek made the
announcement: "It is necessary to help strengthen our football
internationals. So from now on all players of the national team will be
freed from their 26-month army service."


A man who confessed his pedophile fantasies to advice columnist "Dear
Abby" pleaded guilty in Milwaukee County Court on Tuesday to child
pornography charges. Paul Weiser, 28, had written in March "Dear Abby"
about his desires for his girlfriend's 3- and 10-year-old daughters.
Jeanne Phillips, the column writer, alerted police though she said at the
time she was "torn" about breaking her pledge of confidentiality to advice
seekers.

After four months of entertaining humans, Gaak (a name taken from the
suitably sinister klingons of Star Trek) the predator robot yesterday did
what all the best robots do in science fiction: he copied his masters' most
basic instinct and made a dash for freedom. Programmed to sink a metal
fang into smaller but more nimble prey robots to "eat" their electric
power, Gaak showed that a two year experiment in maturing robot "thinking"
may be proving alarmingly successful. Left unattended for 15 minutes, the
2ft metal machine crept along a barrier until it found a gap, squeezed
through, navigated across a car park and reached the Magna science
centre's exit by the M1 motorway in Rotherham, South Yorkshire

[BrilloPad]

Why are there so many pregancies in Brazil?
Because they can lob Seamen over 30 yards.

[BrilloPad]

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to
help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from
copies, not from the original manuscript. The new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son".
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where
the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been
opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. The young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all
bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is
celebrate."

[BrilloPad]

Saw this on a fridge magnet shaped like
a chocolate cake.......

STRESSED is just desserts spelled backwards.

[BrilloPad]

OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get
a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been
turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here,
but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see
our rivals !

Rome did not create a great empire by having
meetings -- they did it by killing all those
who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity
... probably has a scapegoat.

[BrilloPad]

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?

[BrilloPad]

Cherie Blair arrived for an unannounced visit at a Mental Institution. As she approached the main building she was struck by the beauty of the gardens and stopped to take in the view. She spotted a man pottering among the flowers and shrubs. She called him over. "I say. Is all this your work?"

"Yes, madam it is."

"Are you the only gardener?"

"Gardener, madam? I'm a patient. I am unpaid"

"A patient? Good grief. This doesnt look like the work of......."

"A madman, madam? Well I'm not. I've been trying to tell them for twenty years. I wish you could put a good word in for me."

"Oh I, will, I will. I think it's scandalous that a sane man should be kept in one of these places. Shocking."

"Are you sure you'll tell them, madam?"

"Absolutely. Of course I will. Oh I'm so angry. Of course I'll get you out of here."

She turned and and headed purposefully towards the building. Suddenly a house brick hit her on the back of the head. She screamed and turned...

"You wont forget to tell them, madam, will you?"

[BrilloPad]

There's this lorry driver taking a load of bricks from Leeds to Luton. When he gets the bricks unloaded at the Luton site, it seems that there's one brick left over. 'I'm not having it', says the foreman, 'I don't want your firm coming back saying I've cheated them'. So the lorry driver shrugs, puts the single brick back on his lorry and heads back up to Leeds. On the way, he comes to a railway bridge and thinks, 'Aye aye, I know what to do'. So he gets out of the cab and chucks the spare brick off the bridge. He gets back to Leeds about 7:30pm
There was this vicar sitting with his faithful old Golden Retriever in a train compartment, and a big fat farmer walked in, sat down and lit this great big smelly old pipe. The vicar put up with it for as long as he could, but eventually the fumes got so strong, he said to the farmer, 'Excuse me, do you think we might have the window open?' 'Don't you bloody well touch that window, you booger', said the farmer, and puffed some more on his pipe. So the vicar sat back, but tears soon started streaming from from his eyes, and the dog started whimpering, so he asked again: 'I'm sorry, but this is a non-smoking compartment, do you mind if I open the window a little?' 'Bollocks', said the farmer, and puffed on his smelly old pipe even more. Finally, the vicar couldn't stand it any longer, so his stood up and snatched the pipe out of the farmer's mouth, slid open the window, and lobbed the pipe out of it. The farmer went ballistic. 'You booger!' he shouted and grabbed the vicar's Golden Retriever, and shoved it bodily out of the window. The vicar and the farmer shouted at each other for a while, but then the farmer, being an animal lover under a lot of stress really, realised that the dog might very well be injured. At the next station he said to the vicar, 'Look I'm sorry, Father, I've been stressed with this Foot'n''Mouth and everything. Let's go and have a look for your dog.' So they both got out, went down to the end of the train, and looked back down the track. Yes - there it was! The vicar's faithful Golden Retriever! But as it got closer, they could see that it had something in its mouth. 'I don't bloody believe it,' said the farmer.
'Where did it get that brick from?'