Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Count the number of 'F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?

............ Scroll down only after you have
counted them!








OK?







How many?






Three?







Wrong, there are six - no joke!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS


The reasoning is:

The brain cannot process the word "OF".
Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six 'F' on the first
go is a genius, Three is normal.

[BrilloPad]

Zen and the Wisdom of Life

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have
their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry - It only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force - It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our
ass...then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[BrilloPad]

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car
accident.
Next thing they know, they're sitting outside the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter's
about to do an intake. They ask him if there's any way they could get married in
heaven. Saint Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has ever
asked. Let me go and find out.'
The couple wait for what seems like hours, the hours turn into days, and the
days into weeks. By this time they're beginning to wonder if they really should
get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
'What if it doesn't work out?' they wonder. 'Are we stuck together forever?'
Several weeks pass, and finally Saint Peter returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great,' says the couple, 'but what if things don't work out? Could we also get
a divorce in Heaven?'
Saint Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' ask the couple, somewhat frightened by Saint Peter's reaction.
'Come off it!' Saint Peter exclaims. 'It took me over a month to find a priest
up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take to find a lawyer?'

[BrilloPad]

Here’s a quick quiz for "Gentlemen"....



1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as



a) Lovemaking

b) Screwing

c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town



2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only

after you've both shared:



a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

b) Your blood-test results

c) Five tequila slammers



3. You time your orgasm so that:



a) Your partner climaxes first

b) You both climax simultaneously

c) You don't miss SportsCenter



4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:



a) Healthy, creative love-play

b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree

to doing

c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find

out about



5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had

sex with is:



a) The best part of the experience

b) The second best part of the experience

c) $100 extra



6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in

the last month. You tell her that it is:



a) No concern of yours

b) Not a problem - she can join your gym

c) A conservative estimate



7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth

b) An oxymoron

c) A moron



8. Foreplay is to sex as:



a) Appetizer is to entree

b) Priming is to painting

c) A queue is to an amusement park ride



9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself

saying at the end of a relationship?



a) "I hope we can still be friends."

b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the

tone...."

c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."



10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:



a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with

that sort of intimacy

b) Is uptight and a waste of time

c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place



If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make

sure you really are a man.



If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy,

you're still a little confused.



If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go

drinking.

[BrilloPad]

THE STORY OF 3 BEARS

BABY BEAR: Mummy bear, is my Daddy coming to see me today?

MUMMY BEAR: No darling. He would like to come, but I am so incredibly
conceited that I can't bear (no pun intended) to be in the presence of
someone who doesn't think I'm wonderful. After all, I am so thoroughly
wonderful.

BABY BEAR: Cheers, Mum, you're so good to us.

THE END!

[BrilloPad]

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it
will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why. (apparently untrue)
7. A 2x4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in
the
distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily
worldwide!
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finlandbecause he doesn't wear
pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were
made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in
a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and
silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a
recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlinin World War II
killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly
go mad and sting itself to death.
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so
you
could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the USwas Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the
USA".
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was
Victrola,
so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet, not blue.
23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink
into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative effect on calories. It takes more calories to eat a
piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. For fun, Charlie Chaplin once entered anonymously a "Charlie Chaplin
look-alike contest", and won third prize.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
28. An old law in Bellingham,Washington, made it illegal for a woman to
take
more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages them.
32. In the movie Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again
Sam".
What he said was "If you can play it for her you can play it for me, so
Play
it".
33. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
34. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
35. A shrimp's heart is in its head.
36. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
37. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
38. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
39. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a
telephone call.
40. Horses can't vomit.
41. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.
42. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress
a
sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.If you
keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
43. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a
million descendants.
44. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your
ear by 700 times.
45. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,
Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16,
1969, make it illegal for US citizens to have any contact with
extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
46. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
47. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on
them and photocopying their rear ends.
48. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
49. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

and lastly......








50. Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

[BrilloPad]

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his behind

[BrilloPad]

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to
them at that time of life.
The 80 year old said:"The best thing that could happen to me is to be
able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts,
and I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could
have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my
hands on and it is still a problem."
The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at
6:00am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great
bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could
wake up before 7:00."

[BrilloPad]

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his
patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because
he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex
with their patients so its not like you're the first...".
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice
in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

[BrilloPad]

While travelling home from a business trip a man travelling at 60 miles
an hour in a 45 mile an hour zone topped a hill just in time to see a
state trooper turn on his flashing red and blue lights. As the police
car pulled out behind the man's car the man thought to himself, "I can
out run this guy," and increased his speed to 70 miles an hour. With
the police car still in pursuit he accelerated to 80, then 90, then 100
miles an hour. Before long he decided it was of no hope and pulled over
to the side of the road. The officer walked up to the side of the man's
vehicle and shouted, "I have had a very bad day and am in no mood to
stand out here in this heat giving you a ticket. Just give me a good
reason why you were driving so fast and I'll let you go." The man
thought for a minute, then said, "Well, officer, my wife left me about
three weeks ago for a state trooper. When I saw your lights come on, I
thought you were him and you were trying to bring her back."