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Daughter potato wants to get married to a potato called Des Lynham. Dad potato forbids it.
"But dad, Des Lynham potato is lush & I love him." cries daughter potato.
"Look love," says dad potato, "lush he may be, but I want you to marry into royalty. Why not marry a King Edward?"
"But I love Des Lynham potato!" says daughter potato, tearfully.
"Well, what about a Jersey Royal, then, they're posh?" says dad potato.
"Dad, I want to marry Des Lynham potato! Why won't you let me marry him?" demands daughter potato.
"Because he's a commentator."Comment
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One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
'Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered.
He whispered back, 'I found the remote!'Comment
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Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"
Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a ******* minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."Comment
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A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. 'First', Bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.'
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. 'Second', he said, 'you can't never tell no one about this.'
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. 'Third', Bobby Lee said, 'I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.' Once again it was agreed.
4. And last, Bobby Lee said, 'I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00'.Comment
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One day, Harry came upon a big long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way often, and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather plump, homely woman lying back on a cloud.
She spoke,"Take me now or climb the ladder to success!".
Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke,"Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success", she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the better of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite at the very least. Suddenly, the ladder ended, and a trapdoor closed behind him.
He looks across the cloud to see a 400 pound, 6' 8" hairy biker with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "Hi!, I'm Cess".Comment
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Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A YamahahahaComment
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