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Please put more jokes here

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    A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak, "Father, I
    am going to marry!" Moisha begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila.
    "Tell me, my son, is she a good Jewish girl?" asks the father. "What is
    her name?"

    "O'Brien," replies the son. "She's Catholic."

    "Oy!" says the father. "But are you happy?"

    "I'm happy," says the son.

    "Ok, as long as you're happy. My blessings to you both," replies Moisha.
    But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and
    Chutzpah.

    Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father, I, too, will be
    married soon!"
    Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises, "What is
    her name?" implores the father.

    "Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."

    "Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"

    "I'm happy, Father."

    "Ok, then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.

    Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray, "Please God, let my
    remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl, to raise nice Jewish
    children in your eyes. PLEASE!"

    The next evening, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims,
    "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"

    "Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?" his father immediately demands.

    "Goldberg!" says Chutzpah.

    Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!"
    Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter, Shelley,
    from Los Angeles?"

    "No," says Chutzpah.

    "Hmmm," says Moisha. "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter, Rachel, from
    New York?"

    "Ah, no, father." says Chutzpah.

    "Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful
    son?"

    "Whoopi," says Chutzpah.

    Comment


      An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says "I hate to
      ruin your day son but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
      divorcing, 45 years of misery is enough."
      "Pop what are you talking about ?" the son screams.
      "We can't stand the sight of each other " the old man says. "We're sick of
      each other and I'm sick of talking about this,so you can call your sister
      in Chicago and tell her", and hangs up.
      Frantic the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
      they're getting divorced! " she shouts. "l'll take care of this!"
      She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man
      "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
      I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
      don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

      The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
      "Okay honey" he says, "It worked,they're coming for Christmas and paying
      their own way".

      Comment


        The Saudi Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished giving a speech, and
        walks out into the lobby where he meets his American counterpart. They
        shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one
        question about what I have seen in America"
        The American says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I
        will do."
        The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there
        are Russians and Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very
        upset.
        He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
        The American laughs and leans over. "That's because it takes place in
        the future

        Comment


          How many have you used/heard as the case may be:
          I wish you were a door so I could bang you
          all day long.

          (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's
          get you out of these wet clothes.

          Nice legs...what time do they open?

          Do you work for the post office? I
          thought I
          saw you checking out my package.

          You've got 206 bones in your body, want
          one
          more?

          Can I buy you a drink or do you just want
          the money?

          I may not be the best looking guy in here,
          but I'm the only one talking to you.

          I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a
          Big
          Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

          I'm fighting the urge to make you the
          happiest woman on earth tonight.

          Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can
          blow the hell outta me.

          I'd really like to see how you look when
          I'm
          naked.

          Is that a ladder in your stockings or the
          stairway to heaven?

          You might not be the best looking girl
          here,
          but beauty is only a light switch away.

          You must be the limp doctor because I've
          got
          a stiffy.

          I'd walk a million miles for one of your
          smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

          If it's true that we are what we eat,
          then I
          could be you by morning.

          (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not
          just going to suck itself.

          You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with
          me.

          You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any
          questions?

          Those clothes would look great in a
          crumpled
          heap on my bedroom floor.

          My name is (name)...remember that, you'll
          be
          screaming it later.

          Do you believe in love at first sight or
          should I walk by again?

          Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were
          looking for me.

          Hi, the voices in my head told me to come
          over and talk to you.

          I know milk does a body good, but DAMN,
          how
          much have you been drinking?

          Wanna come over for some pizza and sex?
          No?
          Why, don't you like pizza?

          Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you
          shouldn't go home without me.

          Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

          Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen
          because I
          can see myself in them.

          Comment


            A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around wtih a
            flyswatter.

            "What are you doing?" She asked.

            "Hunting Flies" He responded.

            "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

            "Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied

            Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

            "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded.

            Comment


              I N T E R C A V E M E M O

              From: Bin Laden, Osama
              Sent: Monday, 12th November, 2001 8:17 AM
              To: Cavemates
              Subject: The Cave
              .................................................. ......................

              Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come
              together as a group and I love that.

              Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in
              team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is
              hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to
              take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

              First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we
              should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you
              don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave
              daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

              Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying
              to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while
              we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background.
              Just while we're taping. Thanks.

              Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not
              supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene,
              especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

              Fourth: Food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote
              "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its
              were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

              Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise
              trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for
              them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

              Love you lots.

              Osama

              Comment


                If you can start the day without caffeine,
                if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
                if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
                if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
                if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any
                time, if you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
                though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
                if you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
                if you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
                if you can face the world without lies and deceit,
                if you can conquer tension without medical help,
                if you can relax without liquor,
                if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
                if you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no
                prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,

                THEN, you have reached the same level of development as your dog.

                Comment


                  A honeymooning couple had purchased
                  a talking parrot and taken it to
                  their room, where much to the groom's
                  annoyance, the bird kept up a running
                  commentary on their love-making.
                  Finally the groom threw a large towel
                  over the cage and threatened to give
                  the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.

                  The next morning, packing to return home, the couple
                  couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said,
                  "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't
                  work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid,
                  she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
                  Still no success. Then he said, "Look. Let's both
                  get on top and try."

                  At that point the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo.
                  This... I gotta see !!!"

                  Comment


                    A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when
                    he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the
                    floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

                    Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

                    The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient
                    replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
                    The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
                    Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy.
                    He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices
                    Patient #2's face is going all red.

                    The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get
                    him down from there before he hurts himself"

                    Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

                    Comment


                      The Millers are shown into the dentist's surgery and Mrs Miller makes it clear she's in a terrible hurry.

                      'No unnecessary extras,' she orders. 'No gas or needles - just pull the tooth and get it over with'.

                      'I wish more of my patients were as brave as you,' says the dentist admiringly. 'Now which tooth is it?'

                      Mrs Miller turns to her husband and says: 'Show him your tooth, love.'

                      Comment

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