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    A blonde woman wants to go ice fishing. She's read books on the subject and finally, after getting all the necessary gear together, she makes her way to the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she makes a circular cut in the ice.

    Suddenly from the sky, a voice booms: 'There are no fish under the ice.'

    The blonde, now quite worried, moves right down to the opposite end of the ice and tries again to cut her hole. The voice comes once more. 'There are NO fish under the ice.'

    She stops, and looks skyward, and asks: 'Is that you, Lord?'

    'No,' the voice replies. 'This is the manager of the ice rink.'

    Comment


      AIR COMPRESSOR:
      A machine that takes energy produced in a power station 200 miles away and
      transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact
      wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in
      Birmingham, and either breaks or rounds them off.

      ANGLE GRINDER:
      When used to just take off that tiny burr - effectively turns a perfectly
      painted panel into a surface resembling that of 30 grade sandpaper. If a wire
      wheel is attached, can also be used by the more extreme body mutilation
      aficionados and, for riot control; those sharp little wires shoot off in every
      direction and, at amazing speed.

      BACKSAW:
      Invented by William Back, the sawdust magnate. Used for recycling excess
      floorboards.

      BALL-PEEN HAMMER:
      Interestingly, when first discovered in a cave by Francisco de Gama in 1602, the
      ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen had not yet been invented, and the
      practice of hitting yourself in the balls had already been perfected by the
      Druids, using a variety of devices. Ball-peen hammers are now used by those with
      steady hands to swat flies. Also used as a universal centre-punch.

      BATTERY HYDROMETER:
      A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of
      your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as
      you thought.

      BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
      A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill
      bit.

      BRAKE PIPE FLARING TOOL:
      A device for increasing the diameter of the ends of brake pipes, which is so
      stupid, that it doesn't know that when the pipe fits perfectly, one of the
      unions has either been left off or put on backwards.

      CIRCLIP PLIERS:
      Used to prise the lids off paint tins. Work better, if you snap off those silly
      little nibs that fit circlips.

      CROWBAR:
      A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that tiny clip or bracket you
      needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

      DRILL PRESS:
      A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal stock out of
      your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
      room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

      ELECTRIC DRILL:
      Normally used for spinning Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

      GASKET SCRAPER:
      Theoretically useful as a tool for stirring tea or spreading mayonnaise,
      however, used mainly for getting dog-crap off your boot.

      HACKSAW:
      One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
      transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
      attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

      HAMMER:
      Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
      divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to
      hit. Also used for bending nails. If used properly, nail will bend, then fire
      itself across the room, as it is now useless anyway.

      HOSE CUTTER:
      A tool used to cut hoses 1 inch too short.

      HYDRAULIC JACK:
      Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have restored your brakes,
      trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

      EIGHT-FOOT LONG 4x2:
      Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

      TWEEZERS:
      A tool for removing wood splinters.

      PHONE:
      Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic jack.

      LEAD LIGHT:
      The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
      source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under
      cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 60-watt
      light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
      during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
      than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

      MOLE WRENCH:
      Used to round off bolt heads and to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
      your hand.

      OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH:
      Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your garage.
      However, is also capable of causing the prone user to get out from underneath a
      car at the speed of light, when the white hot blob of braze won't take on the
      exhaust silencer, you were hoping might last another week or two, and eventually
      falls on your chest.

      PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
      Normally used to stab the lids of old-style tin oil cans and splash oil on your
      shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.

      PLIERS:
      Used to round off bolt heads.

      SCREWDRIVER:
      Device used for opening beer cans. Also serves as a chisel. Primarily used for
      removing excess skin from palm and making random gouges in things.

      SILVER SOLDER:
      Although this item was designed before the invention of plastic, its main
      intention is as a replacement for twist-ties. Also used to prove the "no two
      snowflakes" theory when melted above finished floors. It has been said that
      Pershing used solder to practice bombing raids on cockroaches.

      STANLEY KNIFE:
      Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
      your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing custom made leather
      goods.

      STAPLING GUN:
      Invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. This tool should never be
      used for trying to attach one item to another, as staples are not made in that
      size.

      SU ADJUSTING SPANNER:
      Teeny 1 1/2" long mini-spanner; drop into the inaccessible recesses of your
      engine-bay, to simulate that vintage intermittent rattling noise. If you don't
      want that vintage sound, it can easily be retrieved, see under two-ton hydraulic
      engine hoist.

      TIMING LIGHT:
      A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.

      TIN SNIPS:
      See hacksaw.

      TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
      A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth-straps and other lines
      you may have forgotten to disconnect.

      16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
      A large engine-mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
      screwdriver tip on one end and no handle on the other.

      WHITWORTH SPANNERS:
      Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly
      for impersonating that 9/16 or any other you've been searching for the last 15
      minutes.

      WIRE WHEEL:
      Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
      with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
      callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." See also angle
      grinder.

      CAUSTIC SODA:
      Used for dissolving gummy deposits on SU fuel pump filters, then dissolving the
      filter.

      GUNK:
      Invented by Forrest Gunk. Gunks' primary component is mayonnaise, but perfume
      and lanolin are added to make mechanics hands soft and lovely. Also used for
      lubricating pipe fittings, and for getting rags dirty. Do not eat. Once applied
      to skin, Gunk never comes off.

      IMPACT ADHESIVE:
      Used for removing the slots between your fingers.

      LACQUER THINNER:
      Used to cool skin. Also used to make lacquer useless. This chemical was invented
      by E.I. DuPont de NeMours for the purpose of making money. Creative mechanics
      often use lacquer thinner to tie-die trousers while wearing them.

      MINERAL SPIRITS:
      Aka paint thinner, enamel thinner, stuff. Used for wetting metal parts. Also
      used for adhering paint brushes to containers. (Note: process takes approx. one
      month) This chemical can be used in place of any other chemical with reduced
      efficiency.

      SILICON WAX:
      Used to ensure that paint will never, ever adhere, ever again.

      PRE-PAINT CELLULOSE THINNERS:
      Used to ensure that any silicon wax present, is distributed more evenly over the
      surface to be painted.

      WD40:
      Deceptive oil-like substance, for making rusting parts rust faster, but smell
      nice.

      Comment


        A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The
        instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the
        second eldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognising
        the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their
        uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule, and drove out to settle the
        matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The eldest son therefore got
        one-half or nine; The second got one-third or six. The youngest got one-ninth or
        two. Adding up 9, 6, and 2 equals 17. The uncle having settled the argument,
        hitched up his mule and drove home.

        Comment


          I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
          I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All
          I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
          (Badge worn by a pregnant woman) 'A Man Did This To Me'
          If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
          Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
          (on the back of a biker) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
          I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
          Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
          What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About
          I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
          Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
          Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
          Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
          If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
          Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
          If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
          Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
          First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order

          Comment


            io-Optic Organised Knowledge software:B.O.O.K.

            BOOK is a revolutionary technological breakthrough: no wires, no electric
            currents, no batteries. Nothing to be connected or switched on. So easy to use,
            even a child can operate it! Compact, portable, it can be used anywhere -- even
            on a beach, yards from a power point. Yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
            information as a CD-ROM disc!

            Here's how it works:

            BOOK is constructed of literally hundreds of sequentially numbered sheets of
            paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
            The pages are locked together with a custom fit device (a "binder") which
            maintains each sheet in its correct sequence.

            Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows the manufacturer to utilise BOTH sides of
            each sheet, thus doubling information density while cutting costs. Sheets are
            scanned optically, registering information directly to the brain -- the most
            efficient interface yet developed! And simple: a flick of a finger takes you to
            the next sheet! BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it!

            BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting. The "browse" feature permits you to
            move instantly to any single sheet, AND move forward and backward as you wish.
            Forget scrolling arrows or multiple key commands! BOOK often comes with an
            "index" feature which pinpoints the exact sheet location of any selected
            information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you
            to open book at THE EXACT PLACE YOU LEFT IT IN A PREVIOUS SESSION ... even if
            BOOK has been closed!

            Best of all, BOOKmarks fit universal design standards ... any Bookmark can be
            used in any BOOK by any manufacturer! A brand new Bookmark can even be used in a
            BOOK that predates it by months, even years! Should you wish to store numerous
            views in a single book, multiple Bookmarks can be used.

            You also have the option to make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with
            an optional programming tool, Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication
            Language Stylus (PENCILS).

            Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as the precursor of a
            new information-delivery wave. BOOK's appeal is so certain that thousands of
            self-employed content creators have committed to the platform, and edit
            technicians are evaluating their submissions. Life is short. Information is
            dear. Forget the Internet. When deciding to access information, think BOOK.

            Comment


              Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

              Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

              As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

              The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

              What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no ther purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

              I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

              I remain sir, your obedient servant
              Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

              Comment


                A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending
                divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

                She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home
                in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

                "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

                "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

                "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

                "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do
                my husband's parents."

                He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

                "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
                really needed one."

                "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in
                your marriage?"

                "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
                necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
                question is 'yes'."

                "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

                "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week
                he gets up earlier than I do."

                Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
                "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

                "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
                "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.
                He said he can't communicate with me."

                Comment


                  > A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into work
                  > today, I'm sick."
                  > "How sick are you?" asks his boss.
                  > "Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister."

                  Comment


                    > A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
                    > sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both
                    > manage
                    > to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
                    > In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to
                    > bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly
                    > pass
                    > me another blanket."
                    > The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better
                    > idea....let's pretend we're married."
                    > "Why not," giggles the woman.
                    > "Good", he replies. "Get your own f**king blanket."

                    Comment


                      > A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk
                      > in,they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the
                      elevator.
                      > The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of
                      > factly, "It looks like cum".
                      > The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her
                      > nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like cum".
                      > The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the
                      > puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims, "Well, it's nobody from our
                      > building."

                      Comment

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