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Please put more jokes here

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    > A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
    > Cheese Sandwich 1.50
    > Chicken Sandwich 2.50
    > Hand Job 10.00
    > Checking his wallet he finds one single tenner, he walks up to the Bar
    > and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving
    > drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
    > "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was
    > wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
    > "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"
    > The man replies "Well wash your f**king hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

    Comment


      > Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
      > and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to
      > sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend
      awake.
      > "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
      > Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
      > "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
      > Watson pondered for a minute.
      > "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
      > potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in
      > Leo.
      > Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
      > Theologically, I can tell that God is all-powerful and that we are small
      > and insignificant.
      > Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow".
      > "Is that all?", Holmes asked.
      > "Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?".
      > Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you dickhead.
      > Someone has stolen the f***king tent."

      Comment


        An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.


        Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

        "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

        "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

        "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"


        "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

        "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want. a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

        A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

        "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

        "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

        "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

        "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

        "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"?

        The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

        "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

        Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

        "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock.

        "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

        "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

        Comment


          An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

          The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."

          "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

          Comment


            Originally posted by realityhack View Post
            An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

            The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."

            "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
            Truly awful

            Comment


              Originally posted by oracleslave View Post
              Truly awful
              Why thank you.

              Comment


                A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first
                class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a
                tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in
                her seat.

                The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to
                reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She
                takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite
                violently in her seat.

                The man is becoming more and more curious about the
                shuddering.

                A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She
                takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently
                again.

                The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the
                woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times
                you've taken

                a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you
                sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

                The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a
                rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

                The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more
                curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are
                you taking for it?"

                The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

                Comment


                  An old couple go to a sex therapist's office.

                  The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?

                  The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

                  The therapist raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
                  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

                  When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
                  wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for calling,
                  wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.

                  The next week however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to
                  watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

                  This happens several weeks in a row.

                  The couple make an appointment, have intercourse (with no problems),
                  pays the doctor, then leaves.

                  Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
                  sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

                  The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's
                  married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to
                  my house.

                  Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for
                  £50, and
                  I get £43 back from Bupa!"
                  Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

                  Comment


                    'EAST LONDON NEWS'- A seven-year-old East London, Newham boy was at the
                    centre of a London courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a
                    court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history
                    of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody
                    to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring
                    that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy
                    surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than
                    his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
                    then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out
                    they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate
                    family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life
                    among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy
                    to propose who should have custody of him.
                    After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
                    welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to West Ham United.
                    whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
                    Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

                    Comment


                      A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles
                      per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
                      across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married
                      for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
                      The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
                      increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want
                      you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having
                      an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you
                      are."
                      Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
                      and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the
                      house," he says insistently...
                      Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.
                      85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit
                      cards and the boat!"
                      The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
                      makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
                      The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
                      "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
                      "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
                      Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him
                      and smiles. "The airbag."
                      Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

                      Comment

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