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    > Top 8 Idiots of 2001
    > Idiot # 1
    > I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
    > poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
    > caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
    > ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
    > the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened
    > to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
    > kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
    > Emergency room right away.
    > Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
    > Idiot # 2
    > Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
    > steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
    > out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a
    > Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out
    > that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
    > activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at
    > Boeing.
    > Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
    > Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco:
    > A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch
    > and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While
    > standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
    > worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
    > before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and
    > crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
    > After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
    > teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't
    > the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
    > stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
    > that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go
    > back to Bank of America.
    > Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a
    > few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
    > Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
    > Idiot # 4
    > A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
    > his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
    > mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
    > the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received
    > a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of
    > handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
    > Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking
    > about)!
    > Idiot # 5
    > Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the
    > cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
    > robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
    > shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
    > refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
    > The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
    > because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's
    > license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
    > The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
    > he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
    > loot.
    > The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
    > the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours
    > later.
    > (Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!)
    > Idiot # 6
    > A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
    > revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
    > the startled first bandit shot him.
    > (This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.)
    > Idiot # 7
    > Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
    > he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
    > booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head
    > at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on
    > the head, knocking him unconscious.
    > Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was
    > caught on videotape.
    > (Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!)
    > Idiot # 8
    > Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into
    > a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and
    > demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open
    > the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
    > the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
    > The man, frustrated, walked away.
    > Please note that these people are allowed to vote!


      Q How can you pick out Dolly Parton's kids in the playground?
      A They're the ones with stretchmarks round their lips

      Q What's the definition of complete agony?
      A A one-armed man with itchy balls hanging off the edge of a cliff

      Q What did Adam say to Eve during his first erection?
      A 'Stand back, I don't know how big this will get'.


        Joe and John are identical twins, Joe owns a boat. One day he rents it out to four men who sink it.

        He then spends all day trying to salvage the vessel and is unaware that his twin's wife has suddenly died. On his way home he bumps into an old woman who, mistaking him for John, says: 'I'm so sorry to hear of your loss'.

        Joe, thinking she's talking about his boat, says: 'To tell the truth, I'm glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing. Her bottom was all shrivelled and she smelled of dead fish.

        'She was always holding water - she had a brad crack in the back and a big hole in the front too. When I used her, her hole just got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

        'I guess what finished her off was renting her to those guys out for a good time. I warned them she smelled bad, but they still wanted her. Damn fools tried to get in her all at once - she split right up the middle …'

        The old woman then fainted


          Two sets of newlyweds go on honeymoon together. Needless to say the men
          are planning to compare notes the day after the wedding. The women get
          wind of it and make it clear this better not happen... So the guys decide
          to let each know how they got on the night before by how many slices of
          toast they get in the morning.

          They both come for breakfast. First guy orders 3 slices of toast with a
          big smile. Second guy looks on smiling. He also orders 3 slices of toast,
          but just as his mate is about to say something he stops him. 'Hold on' he
          says 'Im not done yet. Erm could I have 2 slices of brown too ?'


            IT Upgrade announcement
            New IT System
            Memo To All Staff From IT Support:

            Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or
            software applications support. The goal is to remove all computers from the
            desktop by Dec. 31, 2008.

            Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many
            sound reasons for doing this:

            1. No Operating System problems.
            2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
            3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails, and surfing the Internet

            Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

            Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
            A: Pick it up and shake it
            Q. How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
            A: Pick it up and shake it.
            Q. What's the shortcut for Undo?
            A: Pick it up and shake it.
            Q. How do I create a New Document window?
            A. Pick it up and shake it.
            Q. How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
            A. Pick it up and shake it.
            Q. What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch
            A: Pick it up and shake it.
            Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
            A: Pick it up and shake it.
            Q. How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
            A: Don't shake it.


              > MCHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for
              > warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there,
              > they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
              > HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
              > Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
              > use
              > Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
              > ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when
              > she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night."
              > TREVOR Brooking talking about David Beckham's groin strain during the
              > recent England v Germany match: "He's certainly led by example this
              > evening and his injury's stood up superbly."
              > PETER Alliss on Rivero's golf drive: "Gosh, what an enormous one for such
              > a little chap!"
              > LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our
              > resident stylist is here to give our model one."
              > CHRIS Tarrant was trying to help a female contestant name a famous
              > motor-racing commentator. The answer was Murray Walker, so Chris said:
              > "I'll give you a clue. His name sounds like something hard that tastes
              > good when you suck it." "Ah," she replied. "It must be Dickie Davies."
              > MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
              > Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
              > JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes:
              > "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a
              > hard on now."
              > ROCHARD Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown:
              > "Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."
              > DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt,
              > said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes," he
              > replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."
              > HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith
              > Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by
              > herself in bed last night."
              > WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
              > formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he
              > sees."
              > ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil,
              > tell us about your amazing third leg."
              > BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad
              > when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I was getting
              > it twice a day in my hotel room."
              > DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud
              > observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick
              > their balls on the green."
              > CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
              > match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he
              > just tossed it off."
              > CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
              > nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
              > CHARLIE Dimmock was helping Alan Titchmarsh with a tree stake on Ground
              > Force. "How far am I in?" he asked. "About eight inches," Charlie replied.
              > "But I need a few more inches."
              > A MIND-blowing insight from tennis expert Pam Shriver : "They don't come
              > any quicker on the women's tour than Sugiyama."
              > CAROL Baxter was trying to identify an apple when she opined: "And this
              > one tastes like Cox."
              > JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
              > does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
              > STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
              > after a 69."
              > STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics
              > Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion
              > inside him."
              > WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
              > race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
              > coming from different positions."
              > CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant
              > called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's enough Dick for
              > both of you."
              > EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on
              > Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical, wonderful
              > knob I have ever seen."
              > SLIMMING expert Sally Ann Voak was talking about John Suchet's belly when
              > she said: "I'm sure you have a little bulge down there John."
              > STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:
              > "There's something big growing between my legs."
              > CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
              > said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
              > BROUGH Scott: "And there's the unmistakable figure of Joe Mercer...or is
              > it Lester Piggott?"



                Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful

                in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.One day he needed to hire

                a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

                The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was

                very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do

                you notice anything different about me?"

                "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the

                reply.Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the


                The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the

                first guy. But he asked her the same question:

                "Do you notice anything different about me?"

                "Well," she said stammering, "You have no ears."Dave again got upset

                and chucked her out in a rage.

                The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch; he was a

                young man who had recently earned his MBA.He was smart.He was

                handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put

                together.Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the

                same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

                Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact

                lenses, don't you?"

                Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.

                "How in the world did you know that?” he asked.

                The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,

                "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!"


                  An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman go to Angels strip club.

                  They sit in the front row next to the stage while Blondie does her stuff.

                  For the finale she waggles her naked a*se in the Englishman's face; he

                  reaches for his wallet, takes out a tenner, licks it and slaps it on her

                  left buttock.

                  The stripper moves along and repeats the manoeuvre in front of the

                  Irishman, he too takes a tenner from his wallet, licks it and slaps it on

                  Her right cheek.

                  She now confronts the Scot with her pert ass and squashes it in his face.

                  Hysterically he removes his wallet, takes out his Debit card, swipes it

                  between her cheeks; and takes twenty pounds cashback.


                    He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

                    Everyone has a photographic memory, most do not have film loaded.

                    A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

                    On the other hand you have different fingers.

                    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

                    I just got lost in thought, it was unfamiliar territory.

                    Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

                    Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

                    I feel like I am horizontally parked in a parallel universe.

                    Honk if you love peace and quiet

                    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular.

                    Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

                    It is hard to understand how funeral parlours raise their burial fees and
                    blame it on the cost of living.

                    The 50/50 rule: Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of making the right choice
                    there's a 90% probability of getting it wrong

                    It is said that if you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, some
                    twat in a BMW would try to overtake them.

                    You can't have everything, where would you put it?

                    Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's

                    The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who
                    got there first.

                    A fine is a tax for doing wrong, a tax is a fine for doing well.

                    I started out with nothing and still have most of it.

                    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
                    you hear them speak.


                      A husband wants to prove to his wife that women talk much more than men. So he shows her a stud which indicates that, on average, men use only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. His wife thinks about this for a while and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.