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Please put more jokes here

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    Off at college, the student has gone through all of his allowance.

    He calls his Dad. "Dad, you're not going to believe what they can do
    here. They're got a program that'll teach Fido how to *talk*. All you've
    got to do is send Fido along with $1000!"

    Dad's pretty excited by this, so the next day he ships Fido and a grand in
    cash to his son at the University.

    About 2/3 of the way thru the semester, he's out of money again. So, once
    again, he gets Dad on the phone.

    "How's Fido doing?" Dad asks

    "He's doing GREAT. Talking up a storm! But you won't believe this --
    Fido's had such great results, they've instituted a program just for him
    to learn how to READ."

    "Amazing! What do I need to do?"

    "Just send $2500 and I'll make sure Fido gets in the class."

    Once again, within a couple of days, the student had money to spend.

    Sure enough, though, the end of the semester comes. The boy is facing the
    time when he has to go home and, naturally, Fido can't speak or read a
    single word. He just shoots the dog.

    When he gets home, his dad asks, "So, where's Fido? I can't wait to hear
    him talk to and listen to him read something!"

    "Well, Dad, there's a problem. I have some bad news. This morning, when
    I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room, kicked back in the
    recliner, reading the paper as he does now. He turned to me and said,
    'Hey, your daddy still messing around with that cute little redhead over
    on Oak Street?'"

    The father says, "Oh, sh1t. I hope you SHOT that lying son of a bitch!"

    "I sure did, Dad."

    "That's my boy!"

    Comment


      /* Source Code to Windows 2000 */
      #include "win31.h"
      #include "win95.h"
      #include "win98.h"
      #include "workst~1.h"
      #include "evenmore.h"
      #include "oldstuff.h"
      #include "billrulz.h"
      #include "monopoly.h"
      #define INSTALL = HARD

      char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
      void main()
      {
      while(!CRASHED)
      {
      display_copyright_message();
      display_bill_rules_message();
      do_nothing_loop();
      if (first_time_installation)
      {
      make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
      do_nothing_loop();

      totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();

      search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();

      make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();

      disable_Netscape();
      disable_RealPlayer();
      disable_Lotus_Products();
      hang_system();
      }
      write_something(anything);
      display_copyright_message();
      do_nothing_loop();
      do_some_stuff();

      if (still_not_crashed)
      {
      display_copyright_message();
      do_nothing_loop();
      basically_run_windows_3.1();
      do_nothing_loop();
      do_nothing_loop();
      }
      }
      if (detect_cache())
      disable_cache();

      if (fast_cpu())
      {
      set_wait_states(lots);
      set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
      set_mouse(action, jumpy);
      set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
      }

      /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
      /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
      /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
      /* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
      /* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
      /* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
      printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

      if (system_ok())
      crash(to_dos_prompt)
      else
      system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

      while(something)
      {
      sleep(5);
      get_user_input();
      sleep(5);
      act_on_user_input();
      sleep(5);
      }
      create_general_protection_fault();
      }

      Comment


        How Yodelling was Invented

        Many many years ago, a man was travelings through
        Switzerland at night and had nowhere to sleep. He
        asked a farmer if he could spend the night in the barn
        and the farmer agreed

        The farmer's daughter asked the farmer, "Who was that man
        going into the barn?"

        "Some fellow needed a place to stay," answered the farmer.
        "so I said that he could sleep in the barn."

        The daughter asked "Did you offer the man anything to eat?"

        The farmer hadn't, so the daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take
        him some food."

        The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to
        the house, her clothes all dishevelled and buttoned up wrong,
        with several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair.
        She immediately went to her bedroom to sleep.

        A little later the farmer's wife came down and asked the farmer
        why their daughter went to bed so early.

        "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could
        sleep in the barn and she took him some food."

        "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"

        The farmer hadn't, so the wife said, "I'm going to take
        something out there for him to drink."

        The wife was in the barn for over an hour before returning to
        the house with her clothes messed up and straw twisted into
        her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

        The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and
        continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the
        farm.

        A few hours later, the daughter woke up and went right to the
        barn, only to find it empty. "Where's the man from the barn?"
        she eagerly asked the farmer.

        Her father answered, "He left several hours ago."

        "What?" she cried. "He left without saying good bye?
        After all we had together? I mean, last night he made
        such passionate love to me!"

        "What?" shouted the father. "He took advantage of you?"
        And the farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the
        man but by now the man was halfway up the side of the
        mountain.

        The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you!
        You had sex with my daughter!"

        The man looked back down from the mountainside,
        cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled out,

        "I laid the old laDEE, too!"

        Comment


          The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he
          was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly
          interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson."

          The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men
          in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might
          prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a
          calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one
          another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance
          was heard from the room that night.

          The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more
          than pleasantly surprised when he was told "Doctor, I've been suffering
          from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."

          "That's wonderful," said the doctor.

          "Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."

          Comment


            Slogans for women's T-shirts :

            1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

            2. God made us sisters; Prozac makes us friends.

            3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

            4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all.....I just can't
            remember it all.

            5. My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

            6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

            7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

            8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

            9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

            10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

            11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

            12. I'm out of estrogen........ and I have a gun.

            13. Guys have feelings too. But...who cares?

            14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

            15. I hate everybody...and you're next.

            16. And your point is...?

            17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

            18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

            19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

            20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

            21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

            22. All stressed out and no one to choke.

            23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

            24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

            25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

            26. If we are what we eat....... I'm fast, cheap and easy.

            27. Don't upset me ! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

            Comment


              This news is almost as good as Red Wine lowering cholesterol.
              This is not a joke. It came from the New England Journal of Medicine:

              Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for
              a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have
              discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine,"Just 10
              minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly
              equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," declared gerontologist
              Dr. Karen Weatherby.

              Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt,
              Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health
              of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty
              females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

              The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower
              blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of
              coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and
              improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby.
              "There is no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier."
              "Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily
              cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by
              doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to
              five years."

              Comment


                Two Rednecks were having the blue plate special at their favorite diner,
                when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a
                lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum
                burger too fast.

                The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?"

                "I reckon," said the second hillbilly.

                The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin
                yew breathe?"

                She shook her head no.

                "Kin yew talk?" he asked.

                She again shook her head no.

                With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her
                on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and
                began to breathe, with great relief.

                The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that
                there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."

                Comment


                  This cannibal came back off holiday with part of his leg missing.

                  His mate said "Been in an accident?"

                  "No", said the first, "I went self catering!"

                  ==================================================
                  What did the cannibal do after he had eaten his girlfriend?

                  He dumped her.

                  Comment


                    Being Literal

                    A friend was at a meeting where the boss man made it very clear that the
                    IT department should be living up to the slogan, "Giving every user what
                    they need."

                    He politely requested, "How do we get them to turn around so we can kick
                    them in the ass?" It went over quite well, the room fell out laughing.

                    He doesn't work there any more.

                    Comment


                      I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog........

                      Comment

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