Please put more jokes here

[Swiss Tony]

For Halloween I'm going to wear a pacman suit and chase Muslim women in burkas around the town centre.

[AlanR]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed... I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

************* *****************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible..."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started.....

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I crashed into a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF !

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a set of scales.

And then the fight started...

******************************************


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many year s ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started....

[Swiss Tony]

The wife came home from a professional photo shoot yesterday with a big smile and a handful of photos.

"What do you think?" she asked me. "I look nice don't I?"

Apparently, "They can do anything with computers these days" was not the correct answer.

[Swiss Tony]

How To Start Each Day With A Positive Outlook

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Gordon Brown'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you:

'Do you really want to get rid of 'Gordon Brown?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

[Maslins]

I have a dream...

...that one day chickens will be free to cross the road without having their motives questioned.

[BrilloPad]

One day, a little girl asks her mum: ‘How did the human race appear?’
‘Well, God made Adam and Eve,’ her mother replies. ‘Then they had children, the children had children, and so on, which is how mankind was made.’
Two days later, after much pondering, the girl asks her dad the same question.
‘Many years ago,’ he replies, ‘there were only monkeys, and the human race evolved from these.’
The confused girl returns to her mother and says: ‘How is it possible that you say the human race was created by God, and Dad says it developed from monkeys?’
‘Well, my dear, it’s actually very simple,’ her mum tells her. ‘I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.’


One night in bed a man turns to his wife and says: ‘From now on we will use sign language, if I want sex I will squeeze your right boob and if not it will be your left.’
The wife nods in agreement and the man continues: ‘If you want sex pull my penis once and if you don’t pull it fifty times.’


Two men are having a conversation. One says: ‘I really fancy this girl from work, but every time I try to talk to her I get an erection.’
The next time they meet, the second man asks about the situation. The first man says: ‘I managed to solve the problem by sticking my penis to my leg.’
‘So what did she say?’ Asks the second man.
‘I don’t know,’ he replied, ‘I kicked her in the face.’


A female broom says to the male broom in the cupboard: ‘Darling I’m expecting a new bristle.’
‘You can’t be,’ he replies, ‘we haven’t swept together for ages.’

[Swiss Tony]

Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: No, of course not.
Wife: Don’t you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I’d get married again.
Wife: Would you live in our house?
Husband: Sure, it’s a great house.
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you let her drive my car?
Husband: Probably, it is almost new.
Wife: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: Would she use my golf clubs?
Husband: No, she’s left-handed.
......
Husband: Wait, sod...

[Swiss Tony]

I posted this joke three weeks ago.

****ing Royal Mail

[Swiss Tony]

Using a tried and tested technique, I broke my personal best and picked up three women in the same nightclub last night.

And now, I'm going to share with you the secret of my success.

You just walk up behind them, lift them, drop them and then run to the next one before the bouncers get you

[Swiss Tony]

Dyslexia certainly hasn't dented my mate's confidence. Just the other day, he went to see Lennox Lewis at a book signing, and he reckons he managed to take him down with just one punch