• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.

Please put more jokes here

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Did you hear that one of the concorde pilots asked the other if he was going
    home after his shift. He said no, he was just going to crash at the hotel
    ...

    The European Commission have met and declared that Concorde's impeccable
    safety record will stand. The hotel was in the wrong.

    Affluent German tourists choose to fly Concorde. They'd not be seen dead on
    anything else...

    So many German tourists. So few concordes....

    But wait..... there's more......

    1. The French Killed more Germans on Tuesday than in 2 world wars

    2. How do you fit 100 Germans into a small French hotel? On Concorde!

    3. I know that the Germans like to get to the sun-loungers first but isn't
    this just a bit ridiculous?

    4. Overheard at the Hotelissimo, Gronesse: "Waiter! There's a Concorde in my
    soup."

    5. Air France have just introduced a new express service for their premium
    travellers which guarantees you can be off your plane and in your hotel in
    all of two minutes.

    6. Why is Concorde such good value for money? You get the hotel thrown in.

    Comment


      Queen Mother birthday interview
      Dr Spinola Maam, may I start by thanking you for this rare opportunity to
      talk with someone who has played such a key role in the computer industry
      over the last 100 years.

      HRH My pleasure, dear boy. Is that a bottle of Gordon's on the table behind
      you?

      Dr Spinola What was your introduction to IT?

      HRH Sorry, I thought you were going to interview me about G&T, not IT. But I
      do remember my father building a model of the difference engine for my fifth
      birthday. It never actually worked, but it was very good at crushing ice for
      drinks.
      To be honest, I didn't really pay much attention to IT for a few years as my
      family were a bit preoccupied with a little family squabble in Europe.

      Dr Spinola Are you referring to the Great War?

      HRH We prefer to call it a small family argument.

      Dr Spinola But didn't millions of people die?

      HRH No one I'd ever had a drink with.

      Dr Spinola Can we get back to computers? When did your fascination really
      begin in earnest?

      HRH I suppose it was when that nice Mr Turing popped round for drinks in the
      1930s. He was convinced he could decipher German messages by means of some
      colossal electrical machine. I pointed out to him that it was far easier if
      you married into German royalty. How we laughed! Funny he never married
      though...

      Dr Spinola And then came the second World War...

      HRH Again, it was just family problems, you know how these things happen.
      Anyway, I seemed to spend a great part of my time visiting aeroplane
      factories or on the royal train, stopped in a tunnel - something to do with
      the Brits?

      Dr Spinola The Blitz?

      HRH It was all so long ago... Any more tonic?

      Dr Spinola So what happened after the war?

      HRH Well, that was when I finally got some time to myself. When my daughter
      took over the reigns - little family joke there, ha ha -, I could spend more
      time reading some of the popular computer publications of the time, like
      Empire Computing World and Personal Electronic Servant - I've got some
      clippings from the fifties here...

      [reads aloud] "John C Dvorak speaks his mind: Why on earth doesn't Microsoft
      get its act together? When I tried to phone their press office in Redmond,
      they told me they'd never heard of Microsoft. Who does Bill Gates think he
      is? Now there was an IT commentator - well ahead of his time."

      Dr Spinola He's still alive, you know.

      HRH How can you tell?

      Dr SpinolaWhich other publications did you read?

      HRHOne of my favourites was ZDNet UK, although it was a bit boring for the
      first thirty or forty years, something to do with having no other Internet
      news wires to lift stories from, I believe.

      Dr Spinola And in the sixties?

      HRH Well, of course I was flattered that ICL - what did that stand for,
      Imperial Computers Limited? - named its mainframe operating systems after my
      late husband, but it was a bit of a shame they only got up as far as George
      IV. A few more versions and they'd have got there.

      Dr Spinola Perhaps we could turn to the 1970s...

      HRH Any more of that Gin? Thanks. Ah yes. The seventies. That was when
      personal computers first appeared. Of course, we never actually used them,
      you understand. We always rang for a servant who loaded VisiCalc and worked
      out how much we owed the bookies and the wine merchant. I feel that in terms
      of a perfect user interface, we've never bettered the concept of having
      someone else do all the tedious UI bits for one.

      Dr Spinola Which personalities from the IT world do you remember most
      fondly?

      HRH I met a young man - Harry Mellison I think his name was. He was quite
      mad. Wondered if he was related to the family in some way. Then there was a
      chap called Andy Grove - thought he could put a whole computer on a chip.
      Mad as a hatter - he kept announcing he'd built a faster computer but when
      people asked if they could buy one he went and hid under the stairs. Thought
      everyone was out to get him, poor chap.

      Dr Spinola Which operating system do you favour?

      HRH Well, my favourite has to be the one where one is born into the
      aristocracy and spends the whole of one's life doing no work at all whilst
      receiving large amounts of cash and a number of castles and stately homes.

      Dr Spinola Er, I was actually thinking about operating systems for
      computers...

      HRH Ah! Silly me. You must excuse me, I am a hundred years old, you know.

      Dr Spinola Yes, I had heard.

      HRH Well, I tried that Windows one once, never could get to grips with it -
      I think it was some kind of family tradition, some of my relatives kept
      bricking up the front of the computer to avoid window tax. Then I tried that
      one with the Penguin, but my son in law kept shooting the PC every time the
      logo appeared. Very fond of wildlife, young Philip.

      Dr Spinola One last question - how do you see the IT industry changing over
      the next 100 years?

      HRH One thing is sure, young man. I'll still be here, come and ask me in
      3000.

      Dr Spinola Thankyou, your majesty, and may I say how radiant you are
      looking?

      Comment


        HERSHEY, PA--In one of the largest product-liability rulings in U.S.
        history, the Hershey Foods Corporation was ordered by a Pennsylvania jury
        Monday to pay $135 billion in restitution fees to 900,000 obese Americans who
        for years consumed the company's fattening snack foods.


        "Let this verdict send a clear message to Big Chocolate," said
        Pennsylvania Attorney General Andrew Garsten, addressing reporters following
        the historic ruling. "If you knowingly sell products that cause obesity, you
        will pay."

        The five-state class-action suit accused Hershey's of "knowingly and
        willfully marketing rich, fatty candy bars containing chocolate and other
        ingredients of negligible nutritional value." The company was also charged
        with publishing nutritional information only under pressure from the
        government, marketing products to children, and artificially "spiking" their
        products with such substances as peanuts, crisped rice, and caramel to
        increase consumer appeal.

        Jurors took less than five hours to reach the decision following a
        two-year trial covering nearly one million snackers in Pennsylvania, Florida,
        New Hampshire, Arizona, and Texas. A majority of the unprecedented punitive
        damages will go toward obesity victims and their immediate families. The
        remainder will be funneled into weight-loss and youth-snacking prevention
        programs.

        "This is a vindication for myself and all chocolate victims," said
        Beaumont, TX, resident Earl Hoffler, holding a picture of his wife Emily, who
        in 1998 succumbed to obesity after nearly 40 years of chocoholism. "This
        award cannot bring Emily back, but I take some comfort knowing that her
        tragic, unnecessary death did not go unpunished."

        Hoffler's teary-eyed account of his wife's brave battle against
        chocolate was widely regarded as the emotional high point of the trial. First
        introduced to Hershey's chocolate as a young trick-or-treater, Emily quickly
        developed a four-bar-a-day habit, turning in adulthood to Hershey's Special
        Dark, a stronger, unfiltered form of the product. By age 47, she had
        ballooned to 352 pounds and was a full-blown chocoholic. What little savings
        the family had was drained by Weight Watchers memberships, Richard Simmons
        videotapes, and Fat Trapper pills, all of which proved futile and only
        prolonged the Tofflers' agonizing ordeal.

        Equally pleased by the ruling was Mel Brewer of Phoenix, whose father
        received free chocolate as a soldier during World War II.

        "Dad came back from Europe hooked," Brewer said. "Before long, he was
        going through a case of Mounds and Mr. Goodbars a week. He wouldn't eat ice
        cream without Hershey's chocolate syrup and crushed Heath bars on it. He died
        of a heart attack at age 54 weighing 415 pounds."

        With litigation pending against the nation's top five chocolate makers,
        including a $102 billion Mississippi suit against Nestle, the entire industry
        is on alert. Big Chocolate has already suffered numerous major setbacks in
        recent years. In 1997, a California judge ordered chocolate manufacturers to
        fund $27 billion in education programs to prevent youth chocolate
        consumption. In 1999, a federal judge prohibited chocolate advertising on TV
        and billboards and banned the use of cartoon imagery in advertising. In
        addition, the judge ruled that a warning label must be placed on all
        chocolate products reading, "The Surgeon General Has Determined That Eating
        Chocolate May Lead To Being Really Fat."

        Lawyers for the Hershey Corporation said the company intends to appeal
        the decision, which could drive the price of a 1.4-ounce pack of Rolos as
        high as $1.29.

        "Adult consumers know the risks involved in using our products,"
        Hershey's chief counsel Marvin Black said. "They know that if not used in a
        responsible manner, there can be some negative consequences. But this is true
        of anything in life. Further, the decision to use our products is one that
        has always been left up to the individual. The Hershey Corporation has never
        forced anyone to use its products, nor has it ever intentionally added
        substances to its candies to increase addictiveness. If consumers are hooked,
        it is only because of said candy's overwhelmingly delicious chocolate
        goodness."

        Whatever the outcome of the Hershey's appeal, the chocolate industry
        has irrevocably changed as a result of Monday's verdict.

        "For over a century, Hershey's has lived off the fat of the land,"
        Erie, PA, claimant Pamela Schiff said. "Now it's time to pay us back."

        Comment


          > Niels "Nobel Prize" Bohr
          > The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the
          > University of Copenhagen:
          > >
          > "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a
          > barometer."
          >
          > One enterprising student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to
          > the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of
          > the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the
          length
          > > of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
          > >
          > > This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the
          student
          > > was failed immediately. The student appealed, on the grounds that
          his
          > > answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an
          > > independent arbiter to decide the case.
          > >
          > > The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not
          > > display any noticeable knowledge of physics; to resolve the problem
          > >it
          > > was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in
          which
          > > to verbally provide an answer which showed at least a minimal
          > > familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
          > >
          > > For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in
          > > thought.
          > >
          > > The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the
          > > student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but
          > > couldn't make up his mind which to use.
          > >
          > > On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
          > > "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the
          > > skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to
          > > reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out
          > > from the formula H = 1/2gt squared (height equals half times
          gravity
          > > time squared). But bad luck on the barometer.
          > >
          > > "Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the
          > > barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow.
          > > Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and
          > >thereafter
          > > it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the
          > > height of the skyscraper.
          > >
          > > "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie
          a
          > > short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a
          pendulum,
          > > first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The
          > > height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational
          restoring
          > > force (T = 2 pi sqr root of l over g).
          > >
          > > "Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would
          be
          > > easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in
          > > barometer lengths, then add them up.
          > >
          > > "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of
          course,
          > > you could use the barometer to measure air pressure on the roof of
          > >the
          > > skyscraper, compare it with standard air pressure on the ground,
          and
          > > convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of
          > > the building.
          > >
          > > "But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise
          independence
          > > of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way
          would
          > > be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'I will give you
          > >this
          > > nice new barometer, if you will tell me the height of this
          > > skyscraper.'"
          > >
          > > The arbiter re-graded the student with an 'A.'

          Comment


            It will be a very long time before David Phillips will have to pay for another
            airline ticket. And it will be even longer before the poor and homeless
            people in the Sacramento area will want to see another cup of chocolate
            pudding.

            Phillips, a civil engineer at UC-Davis, has become a cult hero in the
            obsessive subculture of people who collect frequent-flier miles by
            parlaying $3,150 worth of pudding into 1.2 million miles.

            Oh, yeah - he's also going to claim an $815 tax write-off.

            Last May, Phillips was pushing his shopping cart down the frozen-food
            aisle of his local supermarket when a promotion on a Healthy Choice
            frozen entree caught his eye: He could earn 500 miles for every 10
            Universal Product Codes (bar codes) from Healthy Choice products he
            sent to the company by Dec.31. Even better: Any bar codes mailed by
            the end of the month would rack up double the mileage, or 1,000 miles for
            every 10 labels.

            "I started doing the math, and I realized that this was a great deal," he
            said. "I wanted to take my family to Europe this summer, and this could
            be the way."

            Frozen entrees were about $2 apiece, but a few aisles away Phillips
            found cans of Healthy Choice soups at 90 cents each. He filled his cart
            with them, and then headed to his local Grocery Outlet, a
            warehouse-style discount store. And there he hit the mother lode.

            "They had Individual servings of chocolate pudding for 25 cents
            apiece," he said. "And each serving had its own bar code on it. I did
            some more math and decided to escalate my plans."

            Phillips cleaned the store out - bought every last cup of pudding in the
            warehouse. He then asked the manager for the addresses of all the
            other Grocery Outlet in the Central Valley and, with his mother-in-law
            riding shotgun in his van, spent a weekend scouring the shelves of
            every store from Davis to Fresno.

            "There were 10 stores in all," he said.
            "Luckily, most of them were right off the freeway."

            He filled his garage to the rafters with chocolate pudding and stacked
            additional cases in his living room. But Phillips hasn't finished yet - he
            had the manager of his local Grocery Outlet order him 60 more cases.

            "A few days later I went out behind the store," he said, "and there were
            two whole pallets of chocolate pudding with my name on them."

            All in all, he'd purchased 12,150 individual servings of pudding.

            Around this time, Phillips began to reveal his scheme to fellow readers
            of the Webflyer Web site (www.flyertalk.com), where he posted an
            account under the name "Pudding Guy." Phillips' tale was met with
            skepticism, if not outright disbelief, until he uploaded photos of his
            haul.
            (They're still there, at http://www.flyertalk.com/pudding.htm)

            [Author's Note: Have checked, and there is indeed a picture of the stuff
            on that page. There is also a hyperlink back to the flyertalk bulletin
            board. Lots of people getting lots of frequent flyer points for eating
            lots of frozen Healthy Choice dinners.]

            But then Pudding Guy discovered he had a problem on his hands: The
            deadline for earning double miles was quickly approaching, and there
            was simply no way Phillips and his wife could tear off all those bar
            codes in time.

            "I had to come up with something to do with all that pudding, fast" he
            said.Phillips trucked the pudding to two local food banks and the Salvation
            Army, which agreed to tear off the bar codes in exchange for the food
            donation.

            "We'd never seen anything like it," said Larry Hostetler, community
            relations director for the Sacramento Salvation Army.
            "We've gotten some big donations, but always from companies and
            institutions, not individual people."

            Phillips got his bar codes in the mail in time to beat the deadline, and
            then held his breath.
            "The promotion specifically said I could get the miles for any Healthy
            Choice product," he said. "But still, it seemed like there was a good
            chance they'd get me on some technicality."

            But then packages - large packages - started arriving in the mail from
            Healthy Choice. In all, they contained 2,506 certificates, each good for
            500 miles. That's 1,253,000 miles. Under the terms of the promotion,
            Phillips could have the mileage posted in any airline account. He split
            216,000 between his United, Delta and Northwest accounts and posted
            the rest - 1,037,000 miles - to his American Airlines account. By
            surpassing the million-mile mark, Pudding Guy now has AAdvantage Gold status
            for life, entitling him to a special reservations number, priorityboarding,
            upgrades and bonus miles. While we talked on the phone, Pudding Guy
            did a little math - as you might have noticed by now, he's very, very good
            at math - and figured out that scheme netted him enough miles for 31
            round-trip coach tickets to Europe, or 42 tickets to Hawaii, or 21 tickets
            to Australia, or 50 tickets anywhere in the U.S.

            "Wow - 31 trips to Europe for a little over $3,000," I said. "That's less
            than $100 a ticket."

            "Oh, it's better than that," Phillips said. "Since I gave the pudding to
            charity I can take a tax write-off of $815. So that brings the cost of a
            ticket to Europe down to $75."

            As it turns out, Pudding Guy didn't donate all his stash to the food
            banks. He kept about 100 servings for himself, and he's just about
            finished them.

            "Actually," he said, "I really like the stuff."

            Comment


              What is the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

              outlaws are wanted...

              Comment


                Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and
                scientists can never earn as much as business executives
                and sales people."

                This theorem can now be supported by mathematical proof
                based on the following two postulates:

                Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

                Postulate 2: Time is Money.

                As every scientist knows: Power = Work / Time.

                Since Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time.

                Since Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money.

                Solving for Money, we get Money = Work / Knowledge.

                Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches
                infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

                Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

                Comment


                  After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved
                  another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the
                  director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

                  "Mr. James, you records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're
                  ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later
                  killed himself with a rope around the neck."

                  "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

                  Comment


                    Colombia pensioner dies trying to prove he is alive
                    BOGOTA (Reuters) - Colombian bureaucracy proved fatal
                    for an 87-year-old man who died of a heart attack on
                    Thursday as he waited in line to collect a
                    government certificate to prove he was still alive.

                    Former public works employee Arturo Suspe died in a local
                    government office in Bogota while navigating red tape to
                    obtain an official "survival certificate" that would allow
                    him to continue drawing his $133 (88 pound) monthly pension.

                    Local authorities in central Cundinamarca province, which
                    includes Bogota, introduced the certificate in a move to
                    crack down on cheats who were receiving pensions issued
                    in the name of dead people.

                    "This was a pure accident and a very lamentable incident,"
                    Cundinamarca governor Andres Gonzalez said of Suspe's death.

                    Since the "survival certificate" was introduced in late
                    November, more than 7,000 elderly people have joined
                    long lines to obtain them.

                    Gonzalez said he did not plan to change the rules in
                    light of Suspe's death.

                    Colombians routinely face lengthy bureaucratic procedures
                    to receive anything from pensions to driving licenses.
                    The bureaucracy has fuelled widespread corruption among
                    officials who demand illegal payments to reduce
                    waiting times.

                    Comment


                      This short quiz consists of 4 questions and determines if you are capable of

                      being a professional manager.

                      Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that difficult.

                      1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?




















                      The correct answer is:

                      Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

                      This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly
                      complicated way.

                      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                      2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?








                      Wrong Answer :

                      Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

                      Correct Answer :

                      Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant in and
                      close
                      the door.
                      This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

                      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                      3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend
                      except one. Which animal does not attend?







                      Correct Answer :

                      The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

                      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                      OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
                      still
                      have one more chance to show your abilities.

                      4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How
                      do
                      you manage it?








                      Correct Answer:

                      You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This
                      tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

                      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                      According to Andersen Consulting World-wide, around 90% of the professionals

                      they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several
                      correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the
                      theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X