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Please put more jokes here

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    There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with
    the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.

    The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man,
    "Where do you work?"

    The man said, "Here and there."

    The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"

    The man said, "This and that."

    The judge then said, "Take him away."

    The man said, "Wait, judge, when will I get out?"

    The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later..."

    Comment


      Not a good lie!
      Two students taking a chemistry class were doing well enough to think they
      had solid "A" grades. Confident of their chemistry knowledge, they decided
      to visit another college and party with some friends the weekend before
      the final. When they returned too late to take the exam, they found their
      professor and explained that they had missed the test because of a flat
      tyre. The professor allowed them to make up the final the next day.

      When they arrived, the professor handed each a test, then placed them in
      separate rooms to begin. Opening the small booklets, the students found
      just one question: Which tyre?

      Comment


        A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was
        accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men
        who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first
        wife?"

        "Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

        "What stopped him?"

        "I started talking about my next husband."

        Comment


          In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
          animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
          punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

          In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
          is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
          He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

          Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This
          also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be
          covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

          The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder
          which head?)

          There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
          countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
          privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law,
          it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think
          for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even
          comes close to this?)

          In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
          adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
          husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
          desired. (Ah! Justice!)

          Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England- but only in
          tropical fish stores. But of course!)

          In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
          the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
          witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

          In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
          woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big
          enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

          In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
          one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
          only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
          the premises."(Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as
          Guam !

          Comment


            AD from London Times
            An actual ad in the London Times.

            WANTED
            A tall well-built woman with good
            reputation, who can cook frogs
            legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
            schia garden, classic music and tal-
            king without getting too serious.
            But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

            Comment


              1. Rome did not create a great empire by having
              meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed
              them.

              2. If you can stay calm while all around you are in
              chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness
              of the situation.

              3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
              WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

              4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

              5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a
              scapegoat.

              6. Plagiarism saves time.

              7. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

              8. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

              9. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

              10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

              Comment


                A cruise ship sinks and three men make it to an uninhabited island.

                The first man, a Christian, tears two branches from a palm tree, creates a
                cross, and prays to the Lord to be saved from the island.

                The second man, a Muslim, pulls several fronds from the palm tree, creates
                a mat, kneels facing Mecca, and prays to Allah to save him.

                The third man falls asleep under the palm tree.

                The other two can't understand how this man could remain so calm and
                serene so they ask him how he could be so at ease.

                He answers:-

                "Two years ago, I gave $1,000,000 to the Jewish Synagogue.

                Last year, I gave them $2,000,000.

                This year, I pledged that I would give them $3,000,000.
                Don't worry, they'll find me."

                Comment


                  BrilloPad 808
                  darmstadt 49
                  Colemanisor 34
                  Money Money Money 20
                  daviejones 20
                  TheFaQQer 18
                  richard-af 18
                  TazMaN 18
                  Swiss Tony 16
                  FiveTimes 14
                  Denny 13
                  wobbegong 13
                  zeitghost 12
                  Chantho 10

                  I seem to be monopolizing this thread...

                  Comment


                    For those of you that are not following the recent controversy that has to
                    do with Laura Schlessinger, she is a radio personality who dispenses
                    advice to people who call in to her radio show.

                    Paramount Television Group is currently producing a "Dr. Laura"
                    television show. Recently she has become a convert to Judaism, and now she
                    is Ba'al T'shuvah.

                    The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the
                    internet....ENJOY.

                    Dear Dr. Laura,
                    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
                    learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge
                    with as many people as I can.

                    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific
                    laws and how to best follow them.

                    a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
                    pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.
                    They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

                    b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
                    Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price
                    for her?

                    c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
                    period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is,
                    how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

                    d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
                    female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of
                    mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
                    clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

                    e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
                    clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
                    him myself?

                    f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
                    Abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
                    I don't agree. Can you settle this?

                    g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
                    a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does
                    my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

                    h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
                    around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
                    Lev.19:27. How should they die?

                    i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
                    unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

                    j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
                    different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
                    made of two different kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend) He also
                    tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to
                    all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
                    (Lev.24:10-16)
                    Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do
                    with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

                    I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
                    can help.

                    Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
                    unchanging.

                    Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

                    Comment


                      There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and
                      reincarnation.
                      They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to
                      contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

                      Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
                      True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world
                      exactly 30 days later.

                      At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear
                      me?"
                      A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
                      Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's
                      beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the
                      time."

                      "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before
                      sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love
                      until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until
                      about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11
                      p.m."

                      Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
                      "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a
                      rabbit in Arizona."

                      Comment

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