Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-
aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically
placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with
hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle
and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to
the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man
says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[BrilloPad]

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted
by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service
from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called
the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our
community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said
the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their
habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still
tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company
spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually
use is 'flucking shovel'".

[Denny]

Anagrams

David Ginola
Vagina dildo

Teddy Sheringham
Teddy Minge rash

Ossie Ardiles
Arse is soiled

Diego Maradona
O dear, I'm a gonad

Tony Blair PM
I'm Tory plan B

Virginia Bottomley
I'm an evil Tory bigot

Michael Heseltine
Elect him, he's alien

David Mellor
Dildo marvel

Dame Agatha Christie
I am a right death case

The Metropolitan Police Force
I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop

Benson and Hedges
NHS been a godsend

Selina Scott
Elastic snot

Mel Gibson
Big melons

Gloria Estefan
Large fat noise

Chris Rea
Rich arse

Martina Navratilova
Variant rival to a man

Gabriela Sabatini
Insatiable airbag

Irritable Bowel Syndrome
O my terrible drains below

Evangelist
Evil's Agent

Desperation
A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code
Here Come Dots

Mother-in-law
Woman Hitler

Semolina
Is No Meal

A Decimal Point
I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two
Twelve plus one

President Clinton, of the USA
To copulate, he finds interns

Motorway Service Station
I eat coronary vomit stews.

I worked out this one:

Margaret Thatcher
'Great March Threat’

(about start of miners strike on 12th March 1984 and because there was a march against pit closures)

[BrilloPad]

Gripe Sheet

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And finally...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Diver]

Gripe sheet! I was crying, my side hurts now
Best medicine I ever had, thank you BP

[BrilloPad]

Gripe sheet! I was crying, my side hurts now
Best medicine I ever had, thank you BP

Many many thanks

<bows>

I am pleaed to assist in any small way I can...

[BrilloPad]

Jennifer syndrome - the tendency for rich men to show off to their second, trophy wives by doing silly things, e.g - buying motorbikes, corporate jets.

Meeting moth - an executive who flits from meeting to meeting, but actually does nothing useful.

Blamestorming - similar to brainstorming, but designed specifically to select a scapegoat.

Empty suit - a yes man who fancies himself as a leader, but who has little talent and no opinions.

Percussive Maintainance - the tactic of hitting a machine to make it work - e.g a computer.

All flash, no cash - the financial equivalent of 'all talk, no trousers'.

Beverage leader - the person who gets the coffee at the office.

Greenwash - a firm that touts its environmental credentials to deflect attention from other, less attractive aspects of its operations.

Bloatation - the process of hiring lots of useless senior staff immediately prior to going bust.

Bobbleheading - the mass nodding by staff in a meeting at a remark by the boss that no-one understands.

[BrilloPad]

How many sexists does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should already be open when she brings it to you from the kitchen......

[BrilloPad]

Women's Bumper Stickers


1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

24. WHO LIT THE FUSE ON YOUR TAMPON?

[BrilloPad]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons" where
>
> means a smile and is a frown.
> Sometimes these are represented by :-) and respectively. Well, how
about
> some "assicons"?
> Here goes:
> (_!_) a regular ass
>
> (__!__) a fat ass
>
> (!) a tight ass
>
> (_*_) a sore ass
>
> {_!_} a swishy ass
>
> (_o_) an ass that's been around
>
> (_x_) kiss my ass
>
> (_X_) leave my ass alone
>
> (_zzz_) a tired ass
>
> (_E=mc2_) a smart ass
>
> (_$_) Money coming out of his ass
>
> (_?_) Dumb Ass