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Please put more jokes here

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    > A brain and a pair of jumpleads walk into a bar. The jumpleads
    > sit down and the brain goes over to the bar.
    >
    > 'Two pints of lager and pint of best bitter please' said the brain.
    >
    > 'I'm not serving you' said the barman.
    >
    > 'Why ever not' replied the brain, aghast.
    >
    > 'Because you're out of your head and they look like they're
    > going to start something'.

    Comment


      > There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters
      > that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted
      > island.
      >
      > There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
      >
      > They lived there For a couple of years doing what as natural
      > for men and women. after several years of casual sex all the
      > time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing.
      > She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed
      > herself.
      >
      > It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it
      > and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
      >
      > Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to
      > feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
      >
      > So................
      >
      >
      > They buried her.

      Comment


        Subject: New Virus's To Watch For


        BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

        CLINTON VIRUS
        Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.


        VIAGRA VIRUS
        Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.


        LEWINSKY VIRUS
        Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone
        about what it did.


        RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
        Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.


        MIKE TYSON VIRUS
        Quits after two bytes.


        OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
        Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly
        expands to 200 MB.


        DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
        Deletes all old files.


        ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
        Disks can no longer be inserted.


        TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the LEWINSKY Virus)
        Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").


        DISNEY VIRUS
        Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.


        PROZAC VIRUS
        Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.


        JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS
        Only attacks minor files.


        ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
        Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.


        LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
        Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it
        through Windows.

        Comment


          An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the
          question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

          The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative
          to the previous question, was "Why?"

          The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

          Comment


            Amanpreet was having marital problems. So he went to his therapist.

            The shrink says "when you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,
            embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make made passionate
            love to her."

            In two weeks Preet was back in the shrink's office. The shrink asked "How
            did it go?"

            Preet said, "She didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a
            kick out of it."

            Comment


              For the uninitiated Pinoy = male Filipino

              SPIELBERG AND A PINOY

              A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he
              sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was
              already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Pinoy
              sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the
              Pinoy crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the
              director.
              Picking himself up, he yelled, "Wat da hell is dat por?"Spielberg ranted:

              "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##!
              My dad perished in that bombing!"

              #@@!!##! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Pilifino!"
              exclaimed the Pinoy.

              The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah...
              Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino ...you're all the same!"

              Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants,
              straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took
              his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips,
              the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick,
              sending the director flying halfway across the room.

              "What was that for?!!" shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet
              away.

              "Dat's por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!"
              the Pinoy answered back.

              "You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!" exclaimed the
              director.

              "Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg... you are all the same . .

              Comment


                Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered
                over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
                he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
                "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,"and I've
                just buried him."
                The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
                isn't it?"
                Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's
                inside your cat."

                Comment


                  A Vicar, Architect and Engineer were playing golf together.

                  They had been following this group of incredibly bad players for the
                  morning
                  and were getting frustrated in the extreme. The bad golfers had not
                  even
                  had the courtesy to stand aside and let the three play through.

                  At the point where even the Vicar was cursing their very existence, the
                  Green-keeper came into view.

                  The Vicar went over to him and complained about the awful players,
                  holding
                  the game up.

                  The Green-keeper, looked aghast at the vicar and interrupted him to
                  explain
                  that the bad players, were in fact the heroic Firemen that had been
                  given
                  honourary freedom of the course. They were the heroes, who lost their
                  sight
                  saving 12 members when the club house had burned down a few years
                  before.

                  The Vicar feeling guilty for his earlier thoughts, shamefully reported
                  back
                  to the other two players. "I for one, feel I must pray forgiveness for
                  my
                  comments and that these heroes one day receive their sight back".

                  The Architect admitted that he too, felt guilty for the comments he had
                  made
                  and would join the Vicar in prayer.

                  The Engineer said "I don't see why they can't just play at night"

                  Comment


                    Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man
                    told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent.."

                    Oh, Dad," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."

                    "I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her
                    with you."

                    Comment


                      Among today's players, few sledge more enthusiastically than Shane
                      Warne. During Australia's last tour of South Africa it was rumoured
                      that Daryll Cullinan had been consulting a psychologist to exorcise
                      the demons that appeared whenever Warne removed his hat to bowl . No
                      sooner had Cullinan arrived at the crease than Warne snarled: "I'm
                      going to send you straight back to your shrink." The right words can
                      intimidate and demoralise.

                      In 1989, a young Phil Kearns packed down opposite the All Black rough
                      nut Sean Fitzpatrick. Amid the grinding of shoulders, Kearns became
                      aware he was being spoken to: "What are you doing here, Kearns? You
                      don't belong here. You're just a little boy. Why don't you go home to
                      mummy?"

                      Sledging is often personal. One reason Warne is quick to taunt
                      Cullinan is that the South African is fond of making remarks about
                      Warne's girth "Leave us some lunch, fat boy" being one of his
                      favourites.

                      Similarly, Ian Healy once became frustrated with an overweight batsman
                      from a South African provincial side who seemed not the least
                      interested in scoring runs. Eventually Healy called to the bowler:
                      "Why don't we put a Mars bar on a good length to see if we can lure
                      him out of his crease?"

                      Targets of sledging sometimes manage a killer reply. On one occasion,
                      an English county bowler was having surprising success against the
                      great West Indian Viv Richards, who'd played and missed at several
                      balls. Foolishly, the bowler piped up: "Hey Viv, it's red and it's
                      round this is what it looks like" A steaming Richards cracked the next
                      ball into the carpark and told the bowler:
                      "You know what it looks like, man - go find the *****."

                      More recently, Merv Hughes was being Merv, aiming constant abuse at
                      English batsman Robin Smith. But having been told that he "couldn't
                      bat to save his ******* life," Smith smashed a four, walked down the
                      pitch and said:
                      "Make a good pair, don't we? I can't ******* bat and you can't *******
                      bowl."

                      Sledging sometimes amounts to threats. In the 1960's, the St George
                      forward Kevin Ryan was considered rugby league's hardest man. He was
                      running amok one day against Balmain, who called an emergency meeting
                      which resolved that prop George Piper would stop Ryan by any means
                      possible. Piper subsequently hit his target with the best punch he'd
                      ever thrown, claiming later it would have ripped the head off a
                      bullock. But Ryan merely looked at him and said mildly: "Not a bad
                      one, George. Yours is coming." Probably to save his skin, Piper
                      managed to get himself sent off shortly after.

                      One time, when David Boon was proving hard to dislodge, West Indies
                      quick Malcolm Marshall asked him: "Are you going to get out soon,
                      David, or do I have to come around the wicket and kill you?"

                      In 1994, Allan Border told South African all-rounder Brian McMillan:
                      "For a big bloke, you don't bowl very fast."
                      He got no reaction - until lunch, when McMillan burst into the
                      Australian dressing room and told Border to repeat the slur while the
                      South African pointed a pistol at Border's head.

                      If that seems over the top, it was child's play compared to comments
                      allegedly directed at New Zealand's Chris Cairns by two Australian
                      players. It was claimed the players had made "choo choo" noises at
                      Cairns, whose sister had been killed in a recent train accident. The
                      story was denied by all parties.

                      But to sledge is to play with fire. In 1975, NSW paceman Dave Colley
                      had his first look at a swaggering Viv Richards and wasn't taken with
                      what he saw. When he bowled to Richards he was treated with contempt
                      until he dug in a bouncer. The ball clipped Richards's head, was
                      caught by the keeper and the umpire raised his finger. Richards stood
                      his ground and pointed to his head, prompting Colley to growl: "Listen
                      you *****. There's nothing in there. Have a look at the scoreboard and
                      then **** off." At the end of the day, as the NSW players filed next
                      door for a drink, they noticed the West Indies' dressing room had been
                      converted into something that looked terribly like a makeshift boxing
                      ring. Sure enough, Richards appeared wearing gloves, shorts and
                      nothing else, dancing and snorting. The NSW boys shot into reverse,
                      locking their own door behind them. It took the matey diplomacy of
                      Doug Walters to dissuade Richards from depositing Colley on to the
                      nearest asteroid.

                      During a WSC final at the SCG where the game had been shortened due to
                      rain and the atmosphere was running at about 95% humidity a very
                      exhausted Arjuna Ranatunga appealed that he had "sprained" something.
                      He duly asked the umpire for a runner. As clear as a bell through the
                      effects mic you heard Healey's legendary reply "you don't get a runner
                      for being an overweight, unfit, fat *****".

                      Lastly, sledging can be plain amusing. It's unlikely Merv Hughes was
                      thinking tactically when he told a struggling English batsmen: "I'll
                      bowl you a ******* piano, ya Pommie pooftah. Let's see if you can play
                      that."

                      Comment

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