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Please put more jokes here

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    A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but
    there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a
    friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what
    happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was


      Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies
      nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by

      his cell phone ..more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and
      talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his
      neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at
      the same time.


        GIMME A LIGHT!
        Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized
        warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management
        evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of
        ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two
        technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the
        building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To
        their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described
        the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and
        retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the
        lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
        of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but
        the lighter was virtually Untouched by the explosion. The technician
        that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as

        "bright" by his peers.


          Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position
          yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a
          group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went over board
          to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the
          effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" ... the hard way. Apparently, Demuth
          wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3
          ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed
          them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the
          zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has
          been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However,
          once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it
          began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an
          unintended passenger. "Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well
          lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative
          and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his
          juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade
          two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small
          animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one
          duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and
          zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's
          buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However,

          during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was
          repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was
          tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces

          from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth
          was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three
          people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth.
          We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands
          from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with
          Crazy Glue for a while." meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously
          amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going
          to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the
          zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.


            The following was seen by millions of viewers on a
            Spanish T.V. Channel;

            The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their
            daughter's name forward for a surprise game-show -
            she idolised teenage pop star ?Ricky Martin? - and
            they arranged for TV cameras to be placed throughout
            the house. The house was then left empty with Ricky
            Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the girl's bedroom,
            all set to give the daughter a wonderful surprise.

            However, upon returning home from school and finding
            the house empty, the daughter made her way down to
            the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed
            a tin of pate. At this stage the live TV audience is
            wondering what the hell is going on. She then went
            back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to
            remove all her clothes and spread pate all over her
            triangle of womanhood (at this stage Ricky Martin
            is still hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of
            Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on the bed
            with pate all over her crotch).

            As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the
            daughter then calls the family dog, who obediently
            trots up the stairs and settles down to his
            favourite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed".

            At this stage the order is given to cut the broadcast,
            leaving a very embarassed set of parents in front of
            a live studio audience!

            Consequently, sales of tinned pate have rocketed.


              Special High Intensity Training S.H.I.T.

              In order to assure the highest level of quality work and productivity
              employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
              through our program of Special high Intensity Training. (S.H.I.T.) We
              trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you
              that you are not receiving your fair share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
              see your manager. You will be immediately be placed at the top of the
              S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially good at seeing that you
              all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

              Employees who don't take S.H.I.T. will be placed in the Departmental
              Employee Evaluation Program (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.) Since our managers took
              S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't need to do
              and are already full of S.H.I.T. already.

              If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
              others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List
              (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.) Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get
              S.H.I.T. positions and can apply for a promotion by seeing the Director
              Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.)

              If you have any question, please direct them to the Hands on Training

              Thank you

              Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training


                > Hey Hector,
                > This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please
                > distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
                > Thanks,
                > Laocoon
                > WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
                > DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your
                > ENTIRE CITY!
                > The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories
                > tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be
                > abandoned.
                > DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is
                > incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily
                > armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and
                > kill
                > your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO
                > NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it
                > by the beach.
                > Poseidon
                > >=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
                > FROM: [email protected]
                > TO: [email protected]
                > RE: Greeks bearing gifts
                > Laocoon,
                > I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.
                > I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs,
                > one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people
                > who
                > ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."
                > Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:
                > 1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were
                > really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to
                > post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
                > 2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
                > 3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with
                > Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a
                > real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
                > 4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your
                > entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.
                > Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate
                > your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times
                > you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
                > Bye now,
                > Hector


                  Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the
                  other guy has a cork in his ass.

                  He says, "How'd you get a cork stuck in your ass?"

                  The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I
                  tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a
                  red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I Tonto,
                  Indian Genie. I grant-um one wish.' And I said, 'No tulip.'"


                    Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
                    a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and
                    love is in the air.

                    Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs
                    bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you
                    Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!
                    When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

                    She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a
                    Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open,
                    a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

                    "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre
                    the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
                    They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
                    leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero
                    rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her
                    He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives
                    the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms
                    and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE

                    Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!
                    If I go down, I go down in flames!"


                      One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
                      The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."