Please put more jokes here

[darmstadt]

A woman went to the A & E , where she was seen by a young new
doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told
her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the
corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the
problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat
her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the
first doctor's room. "What's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman
is 63 years old, she has two grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was pregnant?!!
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking
up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?

[darmstadt]

Albert was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when
he came into
the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two
people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just
tell Albert the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Albert just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with
the other kids.

A few minutes later Albert came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it isn't called
sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants
to talk to you."

[darmstadt]

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their sex life, but alw ays promised not to take a case if he felt he
couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he
gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various
tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help
you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy
some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you,
sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in
your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her
like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the
doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and
more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the
good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take
the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the
physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
ever be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
Browns, now please, please, help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a packet of Hula Hoops."

[darmstadt]

A Basildon Essex woman went to the doctor with a problem and
was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.

When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a
specimen?"! He replied, "Buggered if I know. Go next door and ask
Sharon. She's a nurse.

The woman went next door and came back in about twenty
minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on
her face and body.

"What the f**k happened to you?" asked her husband.

"No bloody idea," she replies. "I asked that Sharon what a
specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go
fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

[darmstadt]

A blonde named Shelly decides to do something really wild.
Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated
adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a
while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something
comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen,
so she calls the video store to complain.

Shelly: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape but static."

Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those
tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Shelly: "Head Cleaner."

[darmstadt]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies
of
thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his
last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several
yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a
genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an HM Taxes badge and dull grey
suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one
ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a bloody
Tax man.
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

*POOF**

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he
is
surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, mister what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

*POOF**

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, mate, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter
where
I
go beautiful women will want and need me."

**POOF**

He is turned into a tampax.

The moral of the story?

If a Tax-man offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[darmstadt]

An old couple go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The therapist raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for calling,
wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.

The next week however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple make an appointment, have intercourse (with no problems),
pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to
my house.

Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for
£50, and
I get £43 back from Bupa!"

[darmstadt]

School 1960 vs. School 2007
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the headmaster's office and given a good caning. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school ...

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh goes to college anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - Security and the Anti Terror Squad are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during playtime and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

[darmstadt]

6 truths

1) You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

2) All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3) The first truth is a lie.

4) You're smiling now cause you are an idiot.

5) You will soon forward this to other idiots.

6) There's still a stupid smile on your face.

[darmstadt]

An Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Scotsman says to the Englishman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Englishman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would certainly make us even."