• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's
    cheap, and spreads easy.

    Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
    A: Humpme Dumpme


      Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
      A: Men usually miss them.


        What Do You Call A Cow Masturbating?
        Beef Stroke-ing-off


          The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for
          planned Windows 2000:

          1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
          2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
          3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
          4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
          5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
          6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
          7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
          8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
          9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
          10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
          11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
          12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
          13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
          14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C.? (Y/N)
          15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
          16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
          17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
          18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
          19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
          20) User Error: Replace user.
          21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
          22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
          23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
          all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
          24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with
          the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard
          drives, the following message is now required as you save your files
          in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text
          as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential
          Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file
          25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
          been deleted. The police are on the way.


            There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park
            oneday and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

            The little girl says "Mummy what are they doing?". The mother
            hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".

            The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two
            monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and
            her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

            The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy
            were making cakes in the living room last night".
            Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

            She says, "I licked the icing off the sofa".


              The following is the transcript of a call made to a phone-in show on a
              local Liverpool radio station. The topic being debated at the time was
              the controversial outcome of the Evander Holyfield v Lennox Lewis

              PRESENTER: OK, let's go to line 3. Line 3..... who's this?
              CALLER: Oh, yeah, hello... it's Brian here.
              PRESENTER: Hello Brian, and what have you got to say about last night's

              CALLER: Well, er, not a lot actually.
              PRESENTER: Oh...

              CALLER: Well, yer see, I know nothing at all about boxing.
              PRESENTER: I see... Well, erm, tonight's debate is a discussion

              CALLER: But I did have a girlfriend once who was really, really into
              boxing in a big way. Loved it she did.
              PRESENTER: Really?

              CALLER Oh, yeah. Do you know how into boxing she was?
              PRESENTER: Well, no....

              CALLER: She was so much into boxing that when she took her clothes off
              she had a picture of Evander Holyfield tattooed on one thigh and
              Lennox Lewis on the other.

              PRESENTER: Really?

              CALLER: Yeah, really.... Course, I didn't know who they were coz I know
              nothing about boxing.

              PRESENTER: I see. So did your girlfriend explain who the two tattoos
              were of?

              CALLER: Yeah.

              PRESENTER: Oh, good.

              CALLER: Course, I recognised Don King right there in the middle of them
              without any help at all.

              PRESENTER: Let's go straight to line 2....


                On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
                turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
                struck by lightning.

                One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the
                front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she
                yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth
                to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has
                ever made me feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE
                on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

                For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
                peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
                front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

                "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall,
                built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk
                slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No
                one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the
                strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across
                his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to
                the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."


                  Paul Somerson, PC Computing
                  March 3, 1999

                  A shocking revelation in a little-known Minnesota legal
                  case is about to throw the entire PC industry into
                  turmoil. And unless privacy advocates are successful in
                  a court challenge, everyday users may be in serious
                  danger of being sued or fired. The trouble started when
                  Lydia Profaslo, a 24-year-old sales associate at Polar
                  Foil, a manufacturer of thermal insulating material,
                  posted a photograph on her firm's Web site taken at a
                  company picnic. In the photo, Profaslo is wearing
                  shorts and a bathing suit top.

                  A coworker of hers, Eve Wolensky, testified that she
                  was walking past the office of a sales manager, Roger
                  Jeffries, and happened to notice Jeffries looking at the
                  photo and making an inappropriate remark. Wolensky
                  informed Profaslo, who left the office in tears, and later
                  brought a sexual harassment suit against Jeffries and

                  In the ensuing trial, her attorneys asked Polar
                  executives a routine question about the existence of any
                  recordings that could shed light on the case. To their
                  surprise, company officials reluctantly revealed a secret
                  that may shake the PC industry to its roots.

                  It turns out that virtually every computer system
                  purchased after March 1996 contains a microphone,
                  and that the IT departments at Polar and other
                  companies had routinely been using special
                  sound-activated software to record and collect

                  Microphones, which cost manufacturers less than a
                  quarter, had been mandated in the 1996 IEEE RFC
                  0401 PC/Telephony spec, but few users have taken
                  advantage of them. However, Polar's attorneys
                  admitted that most IT departments, and even major
                  Internet providers, have been running special SCP
                  (Speech Collection Port) software that uses the
                  microphones to bug conversations as a "protective

                  The software can harvest all speech within a five-foot
                  radius of an average PC, compress and store it, and
                  send it over LANs or Internet connections to a central
                  collection server.

                  Witnesses who have listened to the recording say
                  Jeffries was allegedly heard to whistle and say to
                  himself "Nice bazongas." Jeffries, who was
                  subsequently fired, directed all inquiries to his lawyer.

                  Profaslo's legal team has argued the episode has
                  caused her "serious depression, anorexia, and
                  sleeplessness." She has filed for disability, and is suing
                  Polar for $30 million in damages.

                  So how do you know if you're at risk for something
                  you might have said innocently over the past three
                  years? Here's the sure-fire trick: If you've ever noticed
                  that your hard disk "in-use" indicator light periodically
                  goes on for a few seconds even when you're not
                  typing, or saving files, it is almost certain that SCP
                  software has been surreptitiously collecting and sending
                  your conversations either over your network or via the

                  It's possible to safeguard yourself against such
                  big-brother corporate snooping by disabling the
                  microphones, according to Jim Sumner, a top electrical
                  engineer at Compaq. Some microphones are easy to
                  spot--they usually sit behind nail-sized recessed grilles.
                  Other more sensitive ones are hidden on

                  Privacy advocates are predictably upset at this, and
                  have brought suit to end the practice. Developers at
                  one such organization, the Computer Freedom
                  Foundation, have created a pair of useful freeware
                  programs. The first detects whether snooping has
                  occurred, and deactivates the microphone. (It also lets
                  you play back any temporary speech files still hidden
                  on your hard disk.) The other replaces any
                  untransmitted conversations with a .WAV file of actor
                  E.G. Marshall reading the text of the First Amendment.

                  Have you said anything while at your PC that could
                  haunt you? For instructions on disabling your
                  microphones, copies of the two freeware programs,
                  and a patch that adds a blinking light to your taskbar
                  whenever your microphone is active, go to
                  www.pccomputing.com/snoopfix. Hurry.


                    > A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in
                    > heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
                    > He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact
                    > with a penis?"
                    > The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of
                    > one with the tip of my finger."
                    > St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and
                    > pass through the gate."
                    > St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth
                    have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

                    > The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
                    > stroked one."
                    > St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and
                    > pass through the gate."
                    > All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns,
                    > one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.
                    > When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sister,
                    > Sister what seems to be the rush?!"
                    > The nun reply's "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water,
                    > I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!


                      The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

                      The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.
                      Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

                      Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered

                      Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear

                      More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in

                      Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

                      Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

                      Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

                      If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

                      Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

                      Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
                      left-handedpeople do.

                      The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
                      uses every letter in the English language.

                      The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they
                      start with.

                      The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to
                      remember the word you want.

                      TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
                      on only one row of the keyboard.

                      If the population of China walked past you in single file, the
                      line would never end because of the rate of reproduction

                      The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read
                      left to right or right to left.

                      A snail can sleep for three years.

                      American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
                      from each salad served in first-class.

                      China has more English speakers than the United States.

                      The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

                      Did you know you share your birthday with at least nine
                      million other people in the world.

                      "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

                      Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

                      Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
                      never stop growing.

                      If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.

                      She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice
                      the length of a normal human's neck.

                      Feb. 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a
                      full moon.

                      The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms
                      as is necessary.

                      When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had
                      segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for
                      blacks and whites.

                      No word in the English language rhymes with month.

                      The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only
                      six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

                      There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

                      Cat's urine glows under a black light.

                      Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

                      In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

                      Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until
                      the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

                      Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

                      The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

                      Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than
                      all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

                      One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton
                      growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw
                      it as competition.

                      Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

                      The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

                      If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
                      produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

                      If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
                      is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

                      The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
                      body to squirt blood 30 feet.

                      Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

                      Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

                      On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

                      The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

                      It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

                      You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. (Don't try please).

                      Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

                      Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

                      You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a
                      poisonous spider.

                      In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
                      including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

                      A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

                      The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

                      All Polar bears are left-handed.

                      The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

                      A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves
                      to death.

                      The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
                      to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
                      head off.

                      Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (lucky b*stards)

                      Butterflies taste with their feet.

                      Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

                      An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

                      Starfish haven't got brains.

                      A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (waheey)