Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

[EternalOptimist]

Scouser Cinderella is very sad, she can't get to the ball and she has been left to sweep the fireplace and tidy up.
Suddenly there is a loud flash and a bright bang and the fairy godmother says 'whats up like'

'Well I cant get to the ball and I have been left 'ere to tidy up while everyone else has a good time.'
'Scouse Cinderella - you SHALL go to the ball.'
So the fairy godmother waves her wand and the pumpkin turns into a coach, the mice turn into footman , and the rats turn into horses. Her rags are transformed into a fantastic gown and her trainers into glass slippers that would have made Tay jealous.
A post-it note on the fridge turns into a gold-inlaid invitation and Cinerella is all set to go, but she pauses at the door. 'Whats the matter Scouse Cinderella ?'

'Whats the catch like?'
'Catch ?'
'You know, get back before midnight or your hansome footmen will turn into mice, that type of thing'
'There's no catch Scouse Cinderella'
'Come on fairy godmother, youse must think I was born yesterday'
'Oh ok ok. Get back before midnight or yer f@nny will turn into a watermelon.'

So Scouse Cinderella arrives and is swept off her feet by the handsome prince, who has eyes for no one else. The gong goes and they sit down for dinner. The handsome prince orders the beef, 'Salad for me' says Scouse Cinderella.
After the meal Scouse Cinderella orders the ice cream 'A slice of melon for me' says the prince.
Scouse Cinderella cant take her eyes of the prince as he slurps up and down the slice, then nibbles it back and forward, then scrapes the fruit off with his teeth before belching and giving it one last lick.
With his mouth covered in juice and pips on his chin and all down his vest he asks her
'What time do yer have to get off?'



'4 am'

[daviejones]

Her rags are transformed into a fantastic gown and her trainers into glass slippers that would have made Tay jealous.

[BrilloPad]

SEXUAL HARASSMENT CLAIM

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair
smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and
tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains
why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this time and asks, "what's wrong with him
telling you your hair smells nice". The woman then replies, "he's a
midget.

[BrilloPad]

Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the
Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS
operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a
human, Japanese face on what has been - until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural
hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our
own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:


A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless more exist

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

[BrilloPad]

It's great being a woman.....

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we
do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that
would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone
being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy
a blow up doll it's sad.

We can use cosmetics should we wake up looking like
something the cat dragged in.

We can wear platforms - which is why there is no such
thing as a 'short woman's complex'.

We don't have to get our strength up between
sessions. .......and it's much easier for us
to get laid in the first place.

We can get off with teenagers without being
called dirty old perverts.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological
disorder excuses.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always
return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up
our computers.

We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all
games.

We got off the Titanic first.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and
gorgeous - they look like complete dicks in ours.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a
mommy's boy.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at
darts and pool..... and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies
wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers.

Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life
insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's
a direct correlation between the size of our scores
and the size of our genitals.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We have no desire to arrange our possessions in
alphabetical order,
Ever.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central
figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand
the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing).

But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.

We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean, Ever.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

[BrilloPad]

Comedians' Best Lines, 1997
>
>"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
>'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should
>hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
> --Larry Miller
>
>"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
>say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my
>mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
>--Ellen DeGeneres
>
>"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
>'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I
>replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses.
>Now I'll have to kill you too."-Jake Johansen
>
>"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
>--Dick Cavett
>
>"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
>they can find Kuwait."-A. Whitney Brown
>
>"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
>pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has
>spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart
>everybody?"-Jon Stewart
>
>"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
>lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
>teach you how to swim.'"-Paula Poundstone
>
>"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in
>a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do
>tall people burn slower?"-Warren Hutcherson
>
>"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
>Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like
>shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."-Jack Mayberry
>
>"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
>skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
>Duh."-Conan O'Brien
>
>"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
>C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually
>bought a congressman."-Bruce Baum
>
>"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
>use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
>may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
>animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."-Jeff Stilson
>
>"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
>that's how dogs spend their lives."-Sue Murphy
>
>"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
>suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
>friends. If they are okay, then it's you."-Rita Mae Brown
>
>"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
>same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"-Rita
>Rudner
>
>"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
>violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
>bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
>Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
>--Jerry Seinfeld
>
>"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of
>four people make up 75 percent of the population."-David Letterman
>
>"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and
>Gomorrah an apology."-Jay Leno
>
>"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
>specific."-Lily Tomlin
>
>"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a
>war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that
>little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon
>there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You
>get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've
>got the toe clippers right here.'"-Jerry Seinfeld
>
>"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
>my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow
>learner."

[BrilloPad]

A German chap asks a prostitute for a shag and she
tells him it's 50 dollars. "Fine" he says, "but I'm
a bit kinky". She agrees that this is OK as long as
he doesn't do anything violent. They get back to her
flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some
straps. "I want you to put one of these on each elbow
and one on each knee" he asks. The prostitute is
worried that she's getting into something a bit
heavy, but she goes along with his request.

Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in
front of him which she does grudgingly. Then he asks
her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and
finally he takes a duck call whistle from his
pocket. "Blow on this while I am shagging you"
he tells her.

So he's banging away at her from behind while
she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck
whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy the
shagging, so much so in fact that she experiences
the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had.

After they've finished she says "Wow, that was the
most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game,
how the hell did you make it so good?"

"Ah," he replies, "Foursprung Duck Technique".

[BrilloPad]

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building
needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the
1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear,
so he does sign language.

The man on the 3rd floor does sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee
meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth
in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor knods
his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down
to the 1st floor and says," What is wrong with you
dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to
tell you I'm coming."

[BrilloPad]

Q: How do we know God is a man?
A: Because if God were a woman,
sperm would taste like chocolate!