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Please put more jokes here

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    SMART ARSED ANSWER
    It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like
    dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
    'What are my choices?' the man asked.
    'Yes or no,' she replied.



    SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
    She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
    The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'


    SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
    The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
    'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
    The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
    When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


    SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
    A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it..
    Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
    The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
    'Got stuck, eh?'
    The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'



    SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
    A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
    'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
    I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
    A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
    'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
    The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

    Comment


      >A couple are at an art exhibition and they are looking at a portrait
      >that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very
      >black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black
      >penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
      >As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the
      >Irish artist walks by and says "Can I help you with this painting. I'm
      >the artist who painted it." The man says "Well, we like the painting
      >but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the
      >one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a
      >black penis." The Irish artist says "Oh you are misinterpreting the
      >painting. They're not African men, they are Welsh coal miners and
      >the one in the middle went home for lunch."

      Comment


        "THE BLONDE STORY OF ALL TIMES" A blonde story to end all blonde stories!
        A True Story.... If she had killed herself -- God forbid-she'd be a
        shoe-in for the Darwin Award. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located
        in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, and a blonde
        (of course!), new to boating as having a problem. No matter how hard she
        tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It
        wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every
        maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of
        trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina maybe they could
        tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was
        in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and
        down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys
        jumped in the water to check underneath,. He came up choking on water; he
        was laughing so hard.

        (Wait for it........) (REMEMBER, this is TRUE...) . . . . . . . . . .

        Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

        Comment


          NEW IT GUIDELINES:

          Guidelines to making the most of your IT department...

          1. When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's
          no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords.

          2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
          buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,
          dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life,
          and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

          3. When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once.
          We're probably just testing out the public groups.

          4. When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and
          spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only
          to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.

          5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a
          smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water
          or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or
          a telephone line.

          6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and
          flags it as a rush delivery.

          7. When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line rather than the
          helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he's on holiday
          for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you
          send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your
          call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

          8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
          electronics in it, right?

          9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the helpdesk.
          We can even fix telephone problems from here.

          10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in IT.
          Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We
          love a good mystery.

          11. When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you through
          changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO
          anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

          12. When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother.
          We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

          13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
          Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

          14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to
          all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

          15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

          16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go
          around and update the network drivers for yourself and your co-workers.
          We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing
          them.

          17. When you have an IT bod fixing your computer at a quarter to one, eat
          your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy .

          18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

          19. When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've installed any new
          software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on
          your computer.

          20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your
          dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were
          designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

          21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the
          network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of
          muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the
          keys.

          22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that 'Yes'
          button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be
          doing it, would you?

          23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about
          that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional
          expertise referred to as crap.

          24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk.
          Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
          Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
          engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

          25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
          call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
          party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

          26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a
          high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and
          processor capacity on that mail server.

          27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller
          chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the
          queue.

          28. When you bump into an IT bod in the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a
          computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the supermarket on
          weekends.

          29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the
          weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for
          you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database
          flip out.

          30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the
          office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back
          to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time
          at the office.

          Comment


            Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where
            the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23. The
            groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought
            that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his
            bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.

            But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the
            bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step,
            and painfully bow-legged. She finally managed to hobble
            to the front desk.

            The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride,
            "What happened to you? You look like you just got finished
            wrestling an alligator."

            "Oh my God," said the bride. "He told me that he had been
            saving up for 75 years.... I thought he meant his money!!"

            Comment


              Some of the fundamental differences between men and women...

              NICKNAMES

              If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other
              Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
              If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
              other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
              Scrappy.

              EATING OUT

              When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even
              though the total is only $32.50. None of them
              will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
              When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

              MONEY

              A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
              A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

              BATHROOMS

              A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar
              of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
              The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would
              not be able to identify most of these items.

              ARGUMENTS

              A woman has the last word in any argument.
              Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

              CATS

              Women love cats.
              Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

              FUTURE

              A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
              A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

              SUCCESS

              A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
              A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

              MARRIAGE

              A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
              A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

              DRESSING UP

              A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
              answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
              A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

              NATURAL

              A Man wakes up as good-looking as they went to bed.
              Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

              OFFSPRING

              Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
              appointments and romances, best friends,
              favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
              A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house...

              Comment


                A fire fighter is working on the Engine outside the station when
                he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little
                ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and
                has the wagon tied to a dog. The fire fighter says,
                "Hey little partner, what are you doing?"

                The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire
                truck. "The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
                "That's sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
                "Thanks mister," the boy says. The fire fighter looks a little
                closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's testicles.
                "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
                to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's
                neck, I think you could go faster." The boy says, "You're probably
                right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

                Comment


                  Yakob was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had gathered
                  around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked,
                  "Mama-you here?"

                  "Yes, Papa."

                  "Sammy-you here?"

                  "Yes, Papa."

                  "Isadore-you here?"

                  "Yes, Papa."

                  "Rosalie-you here?

                  "Yes, Papa."

                  "Rachel-you here?"

                  "Yes, Papa."

                  With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the
                  old man shouted, "Well, who's watching the shop?"

                  Comment


                    Half a proverb...
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                    - A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each
                    child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come
                    up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insights may surprise you.

                    Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader.
                    Strike while the .........................Bug is close.
                    It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time.
                    Never underestimate the power of..........Termites.
                    You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
                    Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty.
                    No news is................................impossible.
                    A miss is as good as a....................Mr.
                    You can't teach an old dog new............math.
                    If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning.
                    Love all, trust...........................me.
                    The pen is mightier than the..............pigs.
                    An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax.
                    Where there's smoke there's...............pollution.
                    Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.
                    A penny saved is..........................not much.
                    Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers.
                    Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed.
                    Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
                    cry and...................................you have to blow your nose.
                    None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder.
                    Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded.
                    If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries.
                    You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box.
                    When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way.

                    And the favourite...

                    Better late than..........................pregnant.

                    Comment


                      A man was leaving a café with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
                      unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black
                      hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
                      Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a
                      leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.

                      The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
                      walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is
                      a
                      bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
                      funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
                      "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
                      He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man
                      answered,
                      "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on
                      her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
                      men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."

                      Comment

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