Please put more jokes here

[Swiss Tony]

Note to self, when hiring a prostitute whilst on holiday in Amsterdam, never again ask her to "sit on my face" in a 'shilly dutch akshent'

[BrilloPad]

I'm not really concerned about swine flu.. Here's my concern.
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow .....Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird .....Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig .... swine flu.
Next year is the year of the cock

[realityhack]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

[realityhack]

A young man called directory assistance.

"Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

[cojak]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

That always makes me laugh no matter how many times I've heard it!

[realityhack]

My wife was in labor with our first child.

Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

[realityhack]

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street.

The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.

"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

[realityhack]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

[cojak]

An English cat called One Two Three...

...met a French cat call Un Deux Trois and challenged him in a swimming race across the Channel? At the other side only One Two Three swam ashore. Why?





Wait for it.....









Because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

[realityhack]

...met a French cat call Un Deux Trois and challenged him in a swimming race across the Channel? At the other side only One Two Three swam ashore. Why?





Wait for it.....









Because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

Ah, the oldies are the best.