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Please put more jokes here

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    A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer. The frog
    says,"Hi, what's your name?" The loan officer says, "My name is Patricia

    Mack. Can I help you?" The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to
    borrow some money."

    The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. She
    says, "Okay, what's your name? The frog says, "Kermit Jagger." The
    loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?" The frog
    says, "Yeah, he's my dad." The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do
    you have any collateral?" The frog hands the loan officer a pink
    ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do? The loan officer says,
    "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager." The
    frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me." The loan officer
    goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog
    out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he
    has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not even sure what
    it is." The manager says, "It's a nick-nack, Patty Mack, give the
    frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."


      There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they
      were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile
      accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being
      escorted in by St.Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the
      prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance
      and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the
      opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for
      people in heaven to get married?"

      St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of
      anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to
      talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an
      appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."

      Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian
      angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated
      the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you
      what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back
      and we will talk about it again."

      Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get
      married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you
      must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."

      Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten
      years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time
      the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m.,
      we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception
      will be on me!"

      The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was
      beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and
      Noah showed up with a horse drawn carriage. But, you guessed it,
      the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had
      made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one

      So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this
      time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord
      heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten
      years to find a priest up here in heaven, do you have any idea how
      long it'll take to find a lawyer?"


        Why is the space between a woman's tits and her hips called a waist?
        Because you could fit in another pair of tits there!


          Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed,
          laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, attoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave,ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, knowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip,
          embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,
          patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste,
          nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I
          die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

          Blow job.


            Subject: Q & A time

            Q: What is the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?
            A: Goldfish like to muck around the fountain.

            Q: What is the difference between a girls track team and a bunch of
            A: The pygmies are cunning little runts.

            Q: What is the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping-tom.
            A: The pick-pocket snatches watches.

            Q: What is the difference between a woman going to church and a woman
            taking a bath.
            A: The woman going to church has hope in her soul.

            Q: Why are guys so smart and girls so talkative?
            A: Because guys have two heads and girls have four lips.


              Three women had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the
              early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night
              The first girl claims she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight
              home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I
              blew chunks."
              To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
              And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
              They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first girl says:
              "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."


                The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I
                think I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and
                I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World
                Records and try to get in the book!"

                The second midget replies with, "You know, now that
                you mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world. I
                think I'll go with you and try to get into the record
                book, too!"

                The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because
                I think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"

                So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness
                Book of World Records.

                When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is
                gone for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it!
                They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the
                smallest in the world. I'm in the record book!!"

                The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out
                very excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure
                enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the
                record book, too!!"

                The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so
                long that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with
                a rather forlorn look on his face.

                "What's the matter?", his friends asked.

                The third midget responds with "Who the hell is XXXXXXX!?!!" (Enter name of choice here instead of XXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Second thoughts - Nah)


                  Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or
                  playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself
                  too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

                  The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"
                  His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
                  "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

                  When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
                  Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come
                  here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

                  "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

                  A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
                  "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

                  Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
                  Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
                  door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The
                  cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch
                  tonight, Dave."


                    True story found in the "West Australian":

                    An inmate of a lunatic asylum started an affair with one of the
                    cleaning staff. Once he had gained her confidence they got very
                    amorous and after one particularly satisfying bout of lovemaking
                    he stole her keys and used them to escape. The headline in the
                    newspaper the next day read, "Nut Screws Washer and Bolts."


                      When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and
                      staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after
                      several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

                      Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a
                      prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician
                      explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition
                      could be cured through corrective surgery.

                      "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
                      "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised
                      doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're planning to lengthen
                      Ralph's legs, aren't you!