Interviewer: Did you lie on your CV?
Me: What makes you think that?
Interviewer: It's all crumpled.
Me: What makes you think that?
Interviewer: It's all crumpled.
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“The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain” -
I got called pretty today, actually the full statement was "you're pretty stupid" but i'm only focusing on positive things today.“The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”Comment
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MEN. Make it impossible for your wife/girlfriend to tell when you've had a drink by talking tulipe all the time“The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”Comment
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Why I joined the RAF
At an all-services training session, the leader asked the group: "What would you do if your found a scorpion in your tent?"
The Royal Navy officer replied "I'd step on it"
The British Army sergeant said "I'd hit it with a torch"
The Royal Marine Commando said "I'd catch it, break the stinger off, then eat the rest"
The pilot said "I'd phone room service and ask them why there was a tent in my bedroom."…Maybe we ain’t that young anymoreComment
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The recession has really started to hit my fart joke business. I used to have three people working for me but I've just let one go.“The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”Comment
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I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth, I think they might be trying to groom me.“The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”Comment
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Me and my girlfriend had sex in my car last night and it was pretty uncomfortable.
I knew we should have dropped her parents off first.“The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”Comment
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My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say "Shut it Nana, I haven't even seen the movie yet!"“The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”Comment
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I was walking past my fridge the other night and I thought I could hear two onions singing a Bee Gees song, when I opened the door it was just chives talkin'.“The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”Comment
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So Marvel Comics will introduce a female Muslim superhero who can fly.
Which is handy, since she's not allowed to drive.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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