Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England , and said:

Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'

[BrilloPad]

Groan

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they're about to make love, the male duck says: 'Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down for room service.'

He calls reception and asks for condoms to be sent up.

'OK, sir,' the woman says. 'Shall I put them on your bill?'

'Of course not,' the duck replies 'I'll suffocate.'

[BrilloPad]

It's the summer of 1960 and Chuck goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. When he knocks on the front door, Peggy Sue's mom answers and invites him in. She asks Chuck what he and her daughter are planning to do that evening. Chuck replies politely that they will probably just head for the diner or maybe go to the drive-in cinema and catch a move.

'Why don't you kids go out and screw?' Peggy Sue's mom suggests. 'I hear all the kids are doing it.'

'Whaaat?' Chuck gulps.

'Oh, yeah,' she continues, 'We know our Peggy Sue loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her!'

Chuck's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Chuck escorts his date out of the front door.

'Have fun!' Mom calls after them.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house with a big grin on her face. 'What a night!' she declares. 'But for your information, Mom, it's called the Twist. The Twist!'

[BrilloPad]

Character test
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:


You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!


THE QUESTION:



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[BrilloPad]

Three nuns are at the gates of heaven. St Peter says he has to ask them each a question before they can enter.

To the first nun he ays: 'Who was the first man?'

'Adam,' she replies.

'Correct, come in.'

To the second nun he says: 'Who was the first woman?'

'Eve,' she replies.

'Correct, comein.'

To the third nun he says: 'What were the first words Eve said to Adam?'

'Hmmmm,' the third nun replies. 'That's a hard one.'

'Correct, come in.'

[BrilloPad]

A millionaire is in court charged with instructing his secretary to give him oral sex. In his defence, he claims it was a misunderstanding.

'My private chef was awful, he had to go,' he explains. 'So I told my secretary to sack my cook...'


A nurse walks into a bank, exhausted after a long shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her bag and tries to write with it. Realising her mistake, she says to the bank clerk: 'Oh, that's just great! Some arsehole's got my pen!'

[blacjac]

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis
and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight
procedure?

'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?'

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'

'No, it's turned black.'

[Bob Dalek]

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis
and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight
procedure?

'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?'

'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'

'No, it's turned black.'

[BrilloPad]

Have you heard about the Irish fencing team at the Olympics? They ran out of creosote!!!

[mailric]

Character test
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:


You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!


THE QUESTION:



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?