Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

New Business-to-Consumer Retail Craze

They're calling it shops or "S-Commerce" and it's being rolled out in
Cities and towns nationwide. "It's a real revelation," according to
Malcolm Fosbury, a middleware engineer from Hillingdon. "You just walk
into one of these shops and they have all sorts of things for sale."

Fosbury was particular impressed by a clothes shop he discovered while
browsing in central London. "Shops seem to be the ideal medium for
transactions of this type. I can actually try out a jacket and see if it
fits me. Then I can visualize the way I would look if I was wearing the
clothing." This is possible using a high definition 2D viewing system, or
"mirror" as it has become known.

Shops, which are frequently aggregated into shopping portals or "high
streets", are becoming increasingly popular with the cash-rich time-poor
generation of new consumers. Often located in densely populated areas
people can find them extremely convenient. And Malcolm is not alone in
being impressed by shops. "Some days I just don't have the time to
download huge Flash animations of rotating trainers and then wait five
days for them to be delivered in the hope that they will actually fit,"
says Sandra Bailey, a systems analyst from Chelsea. "This way I can
actually complete the transaction in real time and walk away with the
goods."

Being able see whether or not shoes and clothing fit has been a real bonus
for Bailey, "I used to spend my evenings boxing up gear to return.
Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, sometimes they just sent the wrong
stuff."

Shops have a compelling commercial story to tell too, according to Gartner
Group retail analyst Carl Baker. "There are massive efficiencies in the
supply chain. By concentrating distribution to a series of high volume
outlets in urban centres-typically close to where people live and
work-businesses can make dramatic savings in fulfillment
costs. Just compare this with the wasteful practise of delivering items
piecemeal to people's homes."

Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive goods when they actually want
them could mean an end to the frustration of returning home to find a
despatch notice telling you that your goods are waiting in a delivery
depot the other side of town.

But it's not just the convenience and time-saving that appeals to Fosbury,
"Visiting a shop is real relief for me. I mean as it is I spend all day in
front of a festering computer."

[BrilloPad]

One night a wife found her husband standing over their new-born
baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down
at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions:
disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused,
with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can
make a crib like that for only £46.50!"

[BrilloPad]

REPLYING TO AN INVITATION TO A SCIENTISTS' BALL
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Volta was electrified.
Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Wilbur Wright said he'd take a flier on it.
Dr Jekyll declined-- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Morse replied: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now - must dash."
Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his
schedule.
Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Newton was moved to attend.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
Nobel got a big bang out of it.
Freud could barely repress his excitement.
Galileo thought people were much too inquisitive about the whole thing.
Franklin said it beat flying a kite in a thunderstorm.
Armstrong was regenerated by the certainty he would get a better reception
than at previous events.
Hewlett was oscillating in his eelings.
Cantor wasn't able to count all the invitations he'd received.
Godel said he couldn't prove it but he'd be there.
Hubble wanted to bring the idea into better focus.
Sagan enthused that out of the billions and billions of invitations he'd
received, he would pick just this one.
Birdseye was frozen in indecision.
Bardeen, Schockley and Brattain thought the event might be semi-conducive to
a good time.
Bell put the invitation on hold but promised to get back to it as soon as
possible. Watson had to determine precisely what jeans he would wear.
Fermat said his last invitation was truly wonderful but that he couldn't fit
it into the
margins of his appointment book.
Darwin declined, saying he always seemed to make a monkey out of himself on
such occasions.
Galileo said he'd love to roll on down, but reminded everyone that the Pope
had him under house arrest.
Gamow got a big bang out of the whole idea.
Nobel thought the party-idea was dynamite! Niels Bohr sent thanks for the
complementary invitation.
Hans Bethe said the whole idea was stellar.
Richard Feynman studied the diagram and said the only way he could make it is
by going backward in time.
Steven Jay Gould and Niles Eldridge said they'd arrive by leaps and bounds.
William Harvey said he would circulate the bloody idea.
Avogadro said he would like to bring a number of friends.
Carnot cycled to the banquet.
Coulomb got a big charge out of the invitation.
Fourier said he had received a series of invitations.
Jung said this occasion would be archetypical.
Klein could hardly bottle up his enthusiasm.
L'Hospital said that, as a rule, he didn't go to banquets.
Laplace expected it to be a transforming experience.
Mesmer was hypnotized by the prospect.
Occam asked whether he would have to shave.
Pasteur said this was just the chance for which his mind was prepared.
Pythagoras said the guests were all too square for him.
Roentgen saw through the whole scheme.
Shannon promised to communicate his decision via the proper
channels.
Turing said that after this party he would have to call a halt.
Van Allen said he would wear his new belt for the occasion.
Wien said he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.
Newton gravitated towards such occasions.
Einstein made light of it, thinking it all relative.
Milliken replied: "Oil drop by some time."
Halley declined because he had anothercomet-ment.
Kelvin couldn't make it because of a cold.
Gauss normally didn't go to such functions.
Naturally, Darwin said, he would select that engagement.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Newton planned to drop in.
Watson and Crick thought it would be a nice chance to unwind.

[BrilloPad]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.

>
> > Dear Wife,
> >
> > You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have
> > certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy.
> > I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely
> > hope that you will
> > not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you
> > receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with
> > my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before
> > midnight.
> >
> >
> > Your Husband
> >
> >
> > When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter
> > waiting for him that read as follows:
> >
> >
> > Dear Husband,
> >
> > You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive
> > this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with
> > the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the
> > mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18
> > goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
> >
> >
> > Therefore, don't wait up.

[BrilloPad]

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class
of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There
are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First,
you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the
corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the
class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as
instructed.
"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense
of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my
middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"

[BrilloPad]

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment
and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I
can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

The guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy
shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is
a rough lover and that isn't for me.

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole
than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick
the lock."

[BrilloPad]

Subject: New Irish Virus Alert

> Top o' the morning to ya!
>
> I'm a virus from County Kerry in Ireland.
>
> Please forward this e-mail to all the contacts in your personal and
> company address folder.
>
> Then delete all the files on your hard drive.
>
> Dat's great. Tank's very much.
>
> Pat

[BrilloPad]

A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to
flag down a taxi just driving by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, " Perfect timing.
You're just like Dave."

The passenger said, "Who?"

The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did
everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed
a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect."

The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He
could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played
tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone,
and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap.
Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything,
not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole
neighborhood."

The rider said, "No wonder you remember him."

The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave."

The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"

The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!"

[BrilloPad]

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week.

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask
them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them
the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a
holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: G'day its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now
is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other
line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions
we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two
to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for
Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ...Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway...
just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .....alright .....Up the arse!
RADIO SILENCE
ADVERTISEMENT
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here,
and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the
holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

[BrilloPad]

> Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's
> a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
> In-class Assignment for Wednesday
>
> "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
>
> The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting
> to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
> paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and
> then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a
> third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has
> been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to
> be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on
> the paper.
>
> The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
>
> The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
> Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
>
> At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
> chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
> reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
> liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
> off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
> him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of
> the question.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
> in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
> neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
> spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
>
> "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
> communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..."
> But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere
> and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
> hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
> last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
> had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
> hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
> Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
> one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.She stared
> out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed
> unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
> distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
> around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
> pondered wistfully.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of
> miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
> lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
> Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a
> defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
> destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
> the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower
> to pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly
> initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
> atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
> headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
> inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and
> 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
> conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
> Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
> writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
> writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile
> tea? Or shall I have some other sort of ******* TEA??? Oh no I'm such a
> air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Asshole.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Bitch.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> W*nker.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Slut.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Get f*cked.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Eat sh*t.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> **** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Go drink some tea - whore..
>