Please put more jokes here

[DBA_bloke]

You are sooooo wrong!! When was the last time you came here.........?! Well had a few beers anyway....? It is very cosmopolitan these days don't you know........bars all over the place to fall in and out of ...and cleverly placed by the river to get rid of the dross when they've had enough!

Reading - I liked it back in the 80s, but then I was high on drugs for most of the time, and believed I was a unicorn from Saturn. Since "coming down", I can see it for what it really is: poo.

[Ali C]

Reading - I liked it back in the 80s, but then I was high on drugs for most of the time, and believed I was a unicorn from Saturn. Since "coming down", I can see it for what it really is: poo.

You guys are obviously frequenting the wrong places............raise your eyeline from the gutter and you really will find some excellent bars there

[TheFaQQer]

You guys are obviously frequenting the wrong places............raise your eyeline from the gutter and you really will find some excellent bars there

Is The Honeypot still open?

[Ali C]

Is The Honeypot still open?

You see - my point exactly!!!!!!! Yes the drosshole is still open for business but that is def in the gutter part of town............

[daviejones]

You see - my point exactly!!!!!!! Yes the drosshole is still open for business but that is def in the gutter part of town............

The Honeypot closed down ages ago.....

[Money Money Money]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby
to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
the mailboxes, wearing a robe.The boy smiled at the young woman and she
started a conversation with
him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,

"Let's go to my apartment, I hear
someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door
and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now
nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?
"Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears. "Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can
you think that the best part of my body is my ears? "Clearing his
throat, he stammered ...




."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.........That was me."

[oracleslave]

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

[Ali C]

Factual Funny......

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.



"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"



"Not yet," she replied.

[ContractIn]

Little Mark

LITTLE Mark ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'



LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)

Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the ******* difference?' asks the father

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE M ARK ON ENGLISH

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'

Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go.'

Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ******* beautiful!''





LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own ******* business.
I LOVE Little MARK!!!!!

[FiveTimes]

Too often we lose sight of lifes simple pleasures.
Remember when someone annoys you, that it only takes 42 muscles to frown,
but only 4 to extend your arm and slap the t&*t..