My wife left me because she said I was obsessed with James bond, I was shaken, but not stirred.
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Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. -
I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, so I did the twist.
They played jump, so I jumped.
Then they played "Come on Eileen"
...I got kicked out after that one!Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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Those who've got foot fetishes love people for their soles.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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I was once sitting at home when i heard a knock at the door. I opened the door and see a snail on the porch. I picked up the snail and threw it as far as I could across the road. Three years later there?s a knock on the door. I opened it and see the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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I had to do a presentation in front of Gary Lineker, Martin Clunes & King Charles. "Crack on then", they said. "We're all ears"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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Now don?t get me wrong, I am not saying that my neighbour is a fat, lazy twit but he is the only bloke in our street who has got a snooze button on his smoke alarm !Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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A primary teacher explains to her class that she's a Liverpool fan and asks her students to raise their hands if they are too.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan." She replied.
The teacher - still shocked - asked, "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, who are you a fan of?"
Mary replied, "I'm a Leeds Utd fan and proud of it."
The teacher could not believe her ears..."Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Leeds Utd fan?"
"Because my mum is a Leeds Utd fan and my dad is a Leeds Utd fan, so I'm a Leeds Utd fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Leeds Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. If your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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Ladies, don?t waste your time asking a man what he wants in a woman, I?ll save you the effort, generally it?s his penis.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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I keep having the same dream where I'm a horse
That's 5 nights on the trot now.…Maybe we ain’t that young anymoreComment
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These trick or treaters seem to get earlier, older and cheekier every year... just had two at the door now asking for money!
Costumes were really good though ...
They were dressed as bailiffs!Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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