Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

They say the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So I poke the mrs and say put the kettle on fatty.

[vetran]

Woman .. Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist . Yes
Woman .. Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist . Yes, if I take two

[vetran]

I saw the single chavette next door had a baby bump, so I told her if she never needed any help with her kid to just let me know.

"No, that's ok," she said, "The wonderful guy in my life is going to help take care of them."

"Really ?" I asked, " To be honest I only saw your boyfriend once but he never came back."

"No, not him silly, Jeremy Corbyn."

[vetran]

I just got punched by a Pikey.
He came to me for payment after he finished block paving my driveway.
All I said was, "Are travellers cheques ok?"

[vetran]

one for our divorcees

"Come into the bedroom, and I'll show you a good time" I said to the wife.
When she came in I showed her pictures of me and my mates before we got married.

[vetran]

I couldn't sleep last night So I took a load of sleeping pills and went out like a light.
Next thing I remember was getting arrested, for walking the streets naked, with a lampshade on my head, and a piece of flex hanging out of my arse.

[vetran]

too true

I'm not saying staff at my local Asda are inept, but I've used self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month!!

[vetran]

I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made'

What do they want? A ******* medal?

[vetran]

Sperm Donor
Worst kebab you'll ever try

[vetran]

What have to Florida shooter and Barry Bennell got in common?

They both unloaded in to unsuspecting teenagers.