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    My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down
    The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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      ENCOURAGE married couples to actually look at each other for once by calling their home phone after 9pm
      “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

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        My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
        The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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          Went to a restaurant last night called ‘Taste of the Raj.’ Not impressed.
          The ******* waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            Today an attractive lady said I had the body of a person much younger than me, and wanted to know my secret.
            However, my lawyer advised me not to answer the police woman's questions.
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              How many McCanns does it take to change a lightbulb?

              None - Somebody's already taken it out.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "this changes everything".
                The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

                Comment


                  An egg walks into a bar with a grin on its face...


                  The barman said ''You look happy''


                  The egg replied ''I am, I got laid last night''.
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    How can it take only one match to start a forest fire but a whole box to light a barbecue?
                    The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

                    Comment


                      "Push harder!" I shouted to my wife while she was in labour.
                      "**** off you bastard!" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh, I thought - it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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