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Please put more jokes here

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    "Why Switzerland?" asked the travel agent. "It's really expensive, and not much fun."

    "My wife told me to book a holiday," I replied, "and I suggested North Wales. But she said she'd rather die than go there."
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.

      Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        It was late when the new temp in work turned to me in a panic. "Oh my God!" She cried, "What have I done? I've lost everything! They're going to sack me on first day!"

        "Calm down," I told her, looking at her PC. "I think I can fix this.... but you've got to do something for me first."

        "Anything," she nodded, "I need this job!"

        As I unzipped my trousers she knelt down in front of me and gave the best blow job I'd ever had.

        Afterwards, I turned back to her computer and gave the mouse a little shake. As the screen saver disappeared I winked, "You know where to come if this ever happens again."
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          L'Oreal camouflage paint. Because you're war fit.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            As I watched the torment of the 2 girls in Peru charged with drug smuggling and facing 10 years in prison, the anguish etched across their faces, I couldn't help but think...





















            ...I'd shag the blonde one.
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              For Scooter!

              Moving that panda to Scotland was a stroke of genius.

              A bag of chips, a can of special brew, and the jobs a good one.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                I've reached that stage in my relationship where "give it to me" no longer refers to my penis but to my credit card.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  After having sex with my 77-year-old F**K buddy, I like to make her sleep in the dry patch.
                  Last edited by vetran; 7 September 2013, 10:38.
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    As a professional photographer, it really pisses me off when people look at my work and say "These are beautiful, you must have a really good camera."

                    **** off, you *****!!

                    You wouldn't say to Gordon Ramsay "That was delicious Gordon, you must have a tremendous saucepan."
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      At lunchtime today I went to McDonalds for the fourth time this week. I ordered a meal and the assistant asked, "Would you like to go large?"

                      "No thank you." I replied.

                      She said, "Well you better stop coming in here to ******* eat all the time then."
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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