Please put more jokes here

[xoggoth]

I remember that one from about 1965. Mad Magazine I think.

[MaryPoppins]

Bloke goes into a pet shop:

"Have you got any wasps?"

"No, we don't sell wasps. Why?"

"Oh, right. It's just you had some in your window last summer"

[wobbegong]

I got mugged last night when four big bastards kicked the tulip out of me. Against the odds I managed to knock one out..... Probably not the best time for a w@nk, but it could have been my last.

[wobbegong]

I read in the paper that Dawn French had contracted that flesh eating bug.

She has been told she only has 30 years to live.

[Andy2]

A blonde and her friends went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest, pulled out a $10 bill.When the male dancer came over, she licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest, the third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, licks the $50 bill. The blonde is worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to the blonde! Now every-one's attention is focused on her, and the guy is egging her on, to try to top the $50. Her brain is churning as she reached for her wallet.
What should she do?

She got out her ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!

[Money Money Money]

A blonde and her friends went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest, pulled out a $10 bill.When the male dancer came over, she licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest, the third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, licks the $50 bill. The blonde is worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to the blonde! Now every-one's attention is focused on her, and the guy is egging her on, to try to top the $50. Her brain is churning as she reached for her wallet.
What should she do?

She got out her ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!

Strangest blonde joke I've heard!

[Money Money Money]

VIEW THIS FIRST

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?*
*
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Tiger Woods*

[The Wikir Man]

VIEW THIS FIRST NSFW

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?*
*
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Tiger Woods*

FTFY - thanks for that

[NotAllThere]

Sean was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Sean looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’

[Swiss Tony]

Cocaine...... Because its cheaper than sniffing petrol