Please put more jokes here

[wc2]

After rough sex with a scouse bird, there's nothing worse than looking down
and seeing a burst condom hanging off your knob....Especially when you
weren't wearing one when you started!!!

[Money Money Money]

There's a new diet sweeping Pakistan... Swim fast

[Money Money Money]

I just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.

I'm over the moon.

[Money Money Money]

Man says to his wife "Do you fancy playing a little rape game?"

"No I don't!!!"

"That's the spirit"

[Money Money Money]

My little sister once said to me : "You can't choose your parents"

In response I just said : "Well, they chose you, seeing as you're adopted"

Ohh how we laughed.

[Money Money Money]

Women Vs Men

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.



FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.



NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"



GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"



GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.



LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"



SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.



THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."



GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.



PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"



THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.



THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[Money Money Money]

I was in the pub last night, and some lass said to me, "you look so much better without glasses"

I said "I don't wear glasses!"

She replied, "I do"

[Money Money Money]

Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

[Money Money Money]

My mate said, "Apparently, you have the biggest cock in town."

I replied, "Don't believe everything your wife tells you."

[thunderlizard]

Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

That one only really works if you do up a spare bedroom to look like a child's. Just thought I'd mention it in case it saves somebody undue embarrassment if they try it.