Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Quantity of posts is no indicator of quality.

The voting public disagree. Of course you are entitled to your opinion.

[EternalOptimist]

The voting public disagree. Of course you are entitled to your opinion.

You tell him BP

[Money Money Money]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father willdie, and I'll inherit £200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

[BrilloPad]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike--Mike.'

'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Mike--it's me, Joe.'

'You're not Joe. Joe just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'

'Joe! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.

The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'






'You're in the team for Tuesday.'

[adamv6]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said,

'Who the f%$k is that on the balcony with Dave?"

[ChimpMaster]

If you have a fat wife you should advise her to run 3 miles every day.

By the end of the week she'll be 21 miles away.

[Cooperinliverp00l]

the joke police are onto me!

I'll have you know this was the 2nd most popular thread of 2008 : and I have more posts than anyone.

BrilloPad 1,332
darmstadt 49
EternalOptimist 48
Colemanisor 34
Money Money Money 28
Swiss Tony 25
Diver 25
TheFaQQer 24
daviejones 22
TazMaN 21


You may now all post your thanks and comments of gratitude

It's always got to be about you Brillo hasn't it

[BrilloPad]

Q How do you make an ugly man good looking?
A Give him a job as a footballer

Q What do cameras and condoms have in common?
A They both capture the moment.

Q What's invisible and smells like bananas?
A Monkey burps.

A man pops into a public toilet that has two cubicles. One is occupied, so he goes into the other and closes the door.
Then a voice from the next-door cubicle says: 'Hello, mate, how are you doing?'
Thinking this is odd, but not wanting to be rude, the man answers: 'Not too bad, thanks.'
After a short pause, the same voice pipes up again, asking:
'So, what are you up to?'
Again he answers, somewhat reluctantly: 'Having a dump.'
Next thing he hears is:
'Sorry, mate 'I'll have to call you back. I've got some idiot in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'

[BrilloPad]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.




Then she says, (as only a mother would know...

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water
is the toilet?

[BrilloPad]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the
child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today. ''Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.