I was driving up the motorway...

[scooterscot]

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

[freakydancer]

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

One of the faves - classic!

[scooterscot]

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

[scooterscot]

last one!

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow

[freakydancer]

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

[Pondlife]

My girlfriend was looking at herself in the mirror the other day and turned to me and said "I wish I had bigger breasts".

Me being as helpfull as ever suggested she took a piece of toilet paper and rubbed it between them every day.

She looked at me and asked "how will that make them bigger?"

I said "Well it worked for your arse didn't it."

IGMC

[John Galt]

One to offend everyone - soldiers taking Jesus down from the cross - voice in their ear "feet first you silly bastards"

[errorista]

snow white's favourite mixer?

7up n Cider

[realityhack]

A Muslim woman came to my door the other day.
Didn't open it - just spoke to her through the letterbox... see how she likes it.

Cheque please...

[DodgyAgent]

“ A door to door salesman knocks on the door and a liitle boy answers wearing a pair of high heels, stockings and suspenders with a spliff in one hand and a glass of Jack Daniels in the other . “ Are your parents in?” asks the salesman “ What the **** do you think?” replies the little boy.