Long story short: Will you marry me ?

[d000hg]

Argh, she's sending me coy messages through the corporate instant message system

I'd complain to HR.

[Dactylion]

Here you go:

Dear thingummy Oi Biatch

I've been worrying over our email exchange the other day - I fear that I may have given you the wrong impression. I'm not sure how serious your suggestion of marriage is, but my response was selfish and thoughtless. I have a lot of affection for you as a friend, but that is all. I briefly entertained the idea, but for all the wrong reasons - the only good reason for marriage is love, and I am not in love with you. I'm really flattered that you asked, and my ego briefly got the better of me. I am so sorry that I allowed this to happen, and I hope that you can forgive me and that we can remain friends.

Are you f*****g nuts? Marriage! What f*****g planet are you on?
FFS we have had a bit of flirting and I briefly thought of shagging you, but only as an alternative to staying in a hotel and knocking out a pot-noodle.
In reality you ain't' getting it no time never.

Yours affectionately
Platypus

Given your stupidity and the apparent inability to communicate clearly to this bint, might I suggest the above amendment to MS' eloquent missive.

My invoice also in the post.

[MaryPoppins]

Given your stupidity and the apparent inability to communicate clearly to this bint, might I suggest the above amendment to MS' eloquent missive.

My invoice also in the post.

That is a good alternative.

I don't think there is a hyphen in pot noodle. Happy to be corrected however.

[v8gaz]

Argh, she's sending me coy messages through the corporate instant message system

Might be worth pointing out that all comms are monitored and recorded.

[fullyautomatix]

: What a CUK classic thread!

I think some of the solutions provided have been amazing but I mostly agree with the "its me not you" approach. Its a tested and certified method which is guaranteed to work.

PS: Is the lady based in India ?

[TestMangler]

That is a good alternative.

I don't think there is a hyphen in pot noodle. Happy to be corrected however.

I find the pot-noodle euphemism slightly offensive tbh.

The correct term is "Gentleman's Horlicks"

[MaryPoppins]

Is pot noodle a CUK thing or have I led a sheltered life?

[TestMangler]

Is pot noodle a CUK thing or have I led a sheltered life?

I've never heard it outside CUK and, believe me, when it comes to knowledge of masturbation, I'm up there with the best of them

[vetran]

I've never heard it outside CUK and, believe me, when it comes to knowledge of masturbation, I'm up there with the best of them

OIBQ

definitely NSFW

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXyT1vy3BII

[tarbera]

Have you read the text messages yet ? Were they as bad as you thought ?