Upskilling "Soft" Skills

[fiisch]

TL;DR: I'm a bit of a pansy when it comes to social settings, speaking up in larger meetings, easily intimidated by certain people etc. Are there any books/techniques people have used to improve their confidence in the workplace? How do you get over the fear of looking stupid?

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I've always been seen as a very competent, "safe pair of hands" number 2. I'm a BA by profession, scoring as an introvert on the usual social aptitude tests. When I'm new in role and learning the ropes, I find that stage emotionally exhausting, and find meeting new people and being the idiot in the room very daunting (which is a bit of a problem as a contractor I admit!). I always assumed this is something I'd grow out of, but I'm knocking on 40 and if anything it has gotten worse with the advent of remote working (as much as I hate to admit it). I've found techniques over my career to help this (e.g.: avoid booking meetings at the start of the week when anxiety levels are highest, if delivering training/workshops, keeping groups small where possible, I now voluntarily go into the office more than I need as I find my headspace improves etc.). I've always found I partner best with an extrovert socially-confident PM or similar.

This social awkwardness isn't limited to work, but is definitely at it's worse when working. I've even had it meeting parents from my kids' school. It lessens as I become more knowledgeable on a project, but it's always there. It's very unpredictable - I can't reliably predict when this social anxiety will kick in, sometimes I'm fine talking to senior stakeholders or in a larger group, other times it will kick in when talking to one or two relatively junior colleagues. Socially, I manage this with alcohol - if I'm meeting new people, I make sure I have one or two drinks before going out, but obviously this isn't really a solution for working... Perversely, I've got a great network of friends, and am absolutely fine in the company of people I know well...

I'm not sure when or why it started - I was very confident as a kid. I was bullied very badly for a few months when I started senior school (such that it prompted a change of school), and while at the time it didn't obviously effect me I wonder if there were some latent psychological effects, or if I'm on some form of spectrum somewhere.

Contract I'm in now started horribly, but I've since transitioned onto another project and it's been excellent - great team, I feel like I know the subject matter well, nice client. It's been mooted that I move into more of a Product Owner-type role which I'm excited about, but also worried that it'll expose me to more situations where my social anxiety will manifest. It's made me realise that in my career this is something that is very much holding me back. Wondering if anyone else has encountered this, and if so how they overcame it? Are there any books/techniques that will help me master this random anxiety?! I have done a couple of management courses when I was a permie a few years back and flirting with a BA Manager role but frankly I found them horrifyingly cringe-inducing and did nothing to improve my confidence...

[cojak]

The first book that comes to mind is Dealing with People You Can’t Stand, it certainly helped me deal with colleagues.

[dsc]

Personally I'd choose a professional to try and get to the bottom of the issue, CBT therapy works well for social anxiety (and for other things) and it will give you tools to use when stuck in those situations. The only problem is finding a good CBT specialist as it takes time to get to know your therapist and build a relationship which works for both.

[edison]

I'm what is known as an ambivert - a mix of introvert and extrovert. It's important to realise that extroversion does not mean being charismatic or the life and soul of the party but more defines where you get your inner energy from (with others or alone.) Sometimes I'm very extrovert, other times completely introverted.

During school and early part of university I was quite analytical and fairly introverted. I found over the years from my late 20s that I gradually developed a more extrovert side necessitated by the roles I did. I was doing more and more customer/stakeholder facing interaction and it was through a couple of in house courses I did and practice that I improved these skills.

It's not an easy skill to learn from a book, I would suggest working with a coach or counsellor as someone suggested above.

What I did find is as I became a little bit more extrovert it was self reinforcing and I slowly got better and better. Take it slowly and steadily.

[ShadyBA]

I think I'm the same as Edison and I've sort of lost shame and giving a tulip what others think as I've got older.
I do realise though that I continue to find ways to push myself out of my comfort zone as I think it's a muscle that needs training.
I'm on a new gig and the firm puts on a speakers club once a fortnight, where you turn up and get tasked with speaking for a few minutes on a random topic. You then get feedback from the group and obviously some praise (it's all very supportive). Anyway, I mentioned to the BA team (approx 20 of us) and the looks and comments I got made me quickly realise I am an extrovert amongst introverts. I assumed more BAs would be up for this sort of thing, I've found it key in a lead role and to bag contracts through ex-colleagues.
I also go along to IIBA meet ups, I often don't tell my colleagues and friends who are members so I'm forced to speak to people rather than just be with my mates.
I would definitely recommend as others have trying some CBT too, I have used it for other things and it can be very effective at changing your mindset.
Well done for acknowledging you have an area to develop, that's the first step. Best of luck with your next steps.

[SimonMac]

The first book that comes to mind is Dealing with People You Can’t Stand, it certainly helped me deal with NLUK.

FTFY

[sadkingbilly]

I'm on a new gig and the firm puts on a speakers club once a fortnight, where you turn up and get tasked with speaking for a few minutes on a random topic

are you sure you're a contractor?

[edison]

I think I'm the same as Edison and I've sort of lost shame and giving a tulip what others think as I've got older.
I do realise though that I continue to find ways to push myself out of my comfort zone as I think it's a muscle that needs training.
I'm on a new gig and the firm puts on a speakers club once a fortnight, where you turn up and get tasked with speaking for a few minutes on a random topic. You then get feedback from the group and obviously some praise (it's all very supportive). Anyway, I mentioned to the BA team (approx 20 of us) and the looks and comments I got made me quickly realise I am an extrovert amongst introverts. I assumed more BAs would be up for this sort of thing, I've found it key in a lead role and to bag contracts through ex-colleagues.
I also go along to IIBA meet ups, I often don't tell my colleagues and friends who are members so I'm forced to speak to people rather than just be with my mates.
I would definitely recommend as others have trying some CBT too, I have used it for other things and it can be very effective at changing your mindset.
Well done for acknowledging you have an area to develop, that's the first step. Best of luck with your next steps.

'Extrovert amongst introverts' probably describes a lot of people in IT including myself.

Pubic speaking is a good suggestion. There are various public tech groups that let you practice being a public speaker and getting feedback. I've worked with one called Meet a Mentor for several years and they do this really well.

They also have a service that randomly matches you with other group member to let you introduce yourselves, build your network etc. It's all good practice for making small talk, being more social etc.

But ultimately, you have to address the underlying root cause of any anxiety before you can make the most of opportunities to increase your social interaction skills.

[rocktronAMP]

[QUOTE=sadkingbilly;n4290304]

are you sure you're a contractor?[/QUOTE]

Are you being passive aggressive with such a question?

This is the client that ShadyBA is making a service for. So he/she has to make an impression, interact with their staff and show empathy and interest with the client's direction. Otherwise he/she might bum out as not "integrating" with the team.

I see very little difference between the speaker's club and an agile retrospective on how a sprint / cadence went well.
Very often I find people are far easier dealing with emotions with colleagues in the work place. Becauses your colleagues don't criticise you too much. Alright, they might speak about you behind your bag. "ShadyBA is a complete plonker, because he/she is always running late to meetings, never on time. Grrr", but that is a different problem. Sometimes just being ok whilst at work might be masking problems with relationships at home and the family.

Getting some outside perspective (counseller / mentor) is a decent way to get starting with upskilling "soft" skills.
There may be other variables that only the OP can guess at "undiagnosed" ADHD, Asberger's, latent autism spectral stuff that I am not at all qualified to talk about. Hence find someone / expert / qualified who is.

The OP mentioned a good network of friends so it does not sound like "loner" syndrome to me. I'd be more networking me think. For me, I found going to software development user groups and network over there. Especially if you like JavaScript, DotNet and Java. (Pre Covid) Don't do networking remotely. It's crap. Go to the meet-ups in person and do it F2F. It does sound like the OP is already on the right path though.

[sadkingbilly]

no.

geez what a bunch of snowflakes.