Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[WTFH]

It was when my dad asked me to organise a surprise birthday party for my brother that I realised I wasn't the favourite twin.

[WTFH]

A MALE Santa? This is just WOKE GONE MADE!

It's Christmas EVE, not Christmas Steve.

[northernladuk]

Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks and take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and then they begin to eat them.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, “Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and then exchange sandwiches.

[WTFH]

The first rule of No Doubt Club is Don't Speak

[xoggoth]

No they eat out

Didn't understand that so had to Google. Mmmm!

[vetran]

Do lesbians cook?

No they eat out

[vetran]

I lost my job as a dodgems operator for no good reason.

It's ok though. I successfully sued the owner for funfair dismissal.

[vetran]

The Archbishop of Canterbury has resigned because his position has become under tenable

[DoctorStrangelove]

Stole this one:

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”

He looked around and saw nothing.

He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.

The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesus is watching me”

The parrot replied, “Yes.”

Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?”

The parrot said, “Clarence.”

The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus.”

.

[vetran]

Bono promised to drive his car off a cliff if Trump won the presidency.

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

[vetran]

What's got four rings at both ends of the bellend ?


An Audi

[WTFH]

My mate just quit his job at BMW.


Of course he gave no indication he was leaving.

[WTFH]

I went to the doctor for a prostate exam recently.
While there, I could feel a certain stirring which made a question arise that I I asked the doctor:
”Is it normal to get an erection during this”
I was disappointed with his response of “yes, it’s quite common”
I was hoping for “I’m sorry, sir”

[vetran]

I went to one of those Turkish baths on holiday...

They shaved with razor-sharp blade below the neck line, snipped ear & nose hairs, waxed chest hairs & plucked all the bum crack hairs, finishing with a moustache trim & alcohol rub...

Honestly, the wife's never looked so good.

[vetran]

My five year old daughter asked me what a 'working girl' is.

"Erm, it's someone who grows up to be a working woman".

"Oh' what's a working woman?".

"blimey, you're going to end up in Number 10".