Reply to: Kids and Death

[oracleslave]

Probably bucking the trend but I wouldn't let my kids (aged 9 and 3) near a funeral. I can understand funerals as part of a grieving process for adults but I don't see how it's helpful for young kids.

[MyUserName]

Sharing a religious view you don't actually believe sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Why? I let them believe in Father Christmas and the tooth fairy etc. This is just something else they can believe in so they do not have to worry.

I don't think there's anything wrong with kids knowing people die so for me the logistics would be the issue.

Very high risk strategy. If my 6 and 4 year olds realized the full facts about death they are likely to worry about Mrs MUN and me dying whenever we are not within eyesight. They do not have the experience or thought processes to understand the scale of facts. If they asked "how do you know you are not going to die on the way to work?" I would struggle to give an answer that reassures them. They do not really understand probability etc. There is a chance that they would take it in their stride but there is a good chance it will worry them and cause a lot of anxiety.

[I just need to test it]

I've been to one Irish funeral (heart attack, aged 44). His Irish sisters and nieces howled like banshees throughout. It was bleedin terrible. Open casket too, which certainly added to the distress for a few who hadn't been expecting it.

My mum lost her dad when she was 12. Her mum forced her to go to the funeral and it proper messed her up. Consequently when my dad died (I was ten) my mum was adamant I should not go to the funeral. And I am really thankful. All those grave dark-suited unfamiliar people, a church, hymns, my dad's coffin. Sod that.

First funeral was my grandmother when I was 17. That was "fine". Ban kids from funerals, say I.

[cailin maith]

It will be an Irish funeral

I guess there will be plenty of family members to help out if the youngest does play up

In which case, don't stress, it'll be fine

And, sorry to hear about it. Even when you are expecting it to happen, it can still be tulipty

[SimonMac]

Funerals and wakes should be a celebration of life not just mourning the passing of a loved one.

I dunno if it's just the Irish but we went to every single funeral from when we were tiny, everyone does. Mind you funerals are still massive affairs in Ireland - I know it's quite different here.

I absolutely would take Junior if it was one of my relatives. If he played up in the Church then I'd take him outside to deal with it not just sit through the embarrassment. We go to mass regularly though so he gets that he has to be good while we are in there, it's probably different for other kids not used to the environment etc.

It will be an Irish funeral

I guess there will be plenty of family members to help out if the youngest does play up

[d000hg]

I would keep it light, like they've gone to heaven to be with Jesus. Always liked how Islam puts a positive spin on Death by saying you'll have lots of virgins waiting for you. Obviously written by a man.

Sharing a religious view you don't actually believe sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I don't think there's anything wrong with kids knowing people die so for me the logistics would be the issue. You're presumably going to be pretty broken up about it yourself and might struggle to look after them, and prefer to be able to focus on it for yourself.

It perhaps depends how well you think you'll cope and how close the kids are to the relative in question but I don't think there's any definite wrong answer.

[cailin maith]

Funerals and wakes should be a celebration of life not just mourning the passing of a loved one.

I dunno if it's just the Irish but we went to every single funeral from when we were tiny, everyone does. Mind you funerals are still massive affairs in Ireland - I know it's quite different here.

I absolutely would take Junior if it was one of my relatives. If he played up in the Church then I'd take him outside to deal with it not just sit through the embarrassment. We go to mass regularly though so he gets that he has to be good while we are in there, it's probably different for other kids not used to the environment etc.

[northernladuk]

Tough call and am glad it's not one I had to make with kids that age. Last funeral I went to one of the grandkids about the same age played up, talking the minutes silence eventually throwing a bit of a paddy towards the end earning plenty of disapproving glances. The parents were so embarrassed they didn't come to the wake for long which was a shame. It was the topic for debate at the wake and everyone knew kids are kids but it was a little uncomfortable. I do think you have to think about others as well when you make the decision.

[WTFH]

If the ex is adamant that the kids go then let her take them. It's a stressful time for everyone and if that's how she wants to deal with it, I'd let her.
If she's just doing it because she is trying to be nasty to you, again, let her do it. It says more about her than it does you.


I'd give the kids the option but not force them either way.

[PerfectStorm]

Treat it like a wedding. If the kids don't have a mature and emotional desire to be there, don't bring them.

I would suggest that this possibly means kids below 14/15 probably wouldn't be suitable.

[NotAllThere]

My 7 year old nephew was banned from my grandmother's funeral (101!) because he was kept saying that it was Nan (my mother) who had died...

Don't shelter the kids, but don't expose them to more than they can handle. Be open and honest. Death is a really tulippy part of life, and cannot be avoided just by ignoring it. "In the midst of life" by Jennifer Worth is an enlightening read.

[mudskipper]

First funeral I went to was my best friend when I was 20. It was awful. I think it's well worth getting used to them when you're a kid - then they seem much more 'normal'. Eldest was 9 when my dad died - he came to the funeral and coped well, but I guess all kids are different.

[original PM]

rather frivolously no point in taking kids to the funeral as they cannot get p*ssed at the wake...

on the flip side nowadays a lot of people try to make it into a celebration of life - which can make it quite an uplifting experience as ultimately we are all going to die so celebrate the life do not mourn the death.

[scooterscot]

About 5 or 6 years old I was taken to hospital as they switched off the life support for my grandfather. You know I din't know him well enough at that age to know what was going on. But now as an adult I appreciate my parents gave me the opportunity.

I should add, as I remember this even more now that I'm thinking about it, my gran took all his clothes to the garden to burn. That did spell out no more granddad.

[TheFaQQer]

When my granddad died, we offered my children (then 10 and 7) whether they wanted to come to the funeral or whether they wanted to stay at home with their aunt and two cousins (2 and 4). They wanted to come, though, so they did.

Elder one cried her heart out throughout the whole service, younger one was upset because she knew that I was upset. But I think that they needed to be there, particularly the elder - she was closer to my granddad than the younger one because he was more with it when she was younger.

I guess it depends also on how close the relative is to the children - would it mean much to them to be there? We weren't at my grandmother's funeral (we were 7,12,14) and that hit my sister for a long time because she wanted to be there and my parents never considered taking us.

So ask them and see what they think - if they want to be there then take them; if they don't then don't. But don't force the issue one way or the other.

And condolences