Please put more jokes here

[WTFH]

Rishi Sunk wants everyone to study maths until 18.

I studied it until I was 16. What difference is another 4 years going to make?

[NotAllThere]

Will President Xi be followed by President Xii?

[NotAllThere]

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism but to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work

Move from the Funny Picture Thread.

[vetran]

I was at the garden centre earlier and some nutter threw a can of orange paint over a load of bags of compost.



t was one of those just top soil protesters

[WTFH]

Next time you are having an argument with your wife, start undressing.

She will immediately have a headache and go to sleep.

[vetran]

Next time you are having an argument with your wife, start undressing.

She will immediately have a headache and go to sleep.

That may be your effect on her

[vetran]

I said to her "Let's try the Hermes position"..stayed in all day and nobody came!

[WTFH]

Do you know what the most dangerous type of canoes are?



Volcanoes.

[vetran]

Why don't ants get Covid?

Because they have these little antibodies....

[vetran]

What's the difference between a rock band and a jazz band?

A rock band plays three chords in front of 50,000 people. A jazz band is pretty much the other way round.