Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I sat at the junction, gazing spellbound at the ethereal green and red swirls glowing mystically above me.

I think it was the Northern Traffic Lights.

[vetran]

Before the crash, I wonder if Lewis Hamilton shouted "on me 'ead, son"?

[vetran]

Spiderman - just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the Web.

[vetran]

The best part of being a scientist is having your hard work and research questioned by people who spent every science class peeling glue from their hands.

[vetran]

Why do they call them lifts in the UK & elevators in the US?

Because we’re raised differently.

[vetran]

WTFH walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!"

WTFH responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

[vetran]

My wife says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else.

[vetran]

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they then hear the same voice -

"One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred of yours!"

Annoyed, the Soviet general sends hundred men to capture the hill. There is gunfire and bombs going for ten minutes, and everything goes silent again. Suddenly, the same voice yells out -

"One Finnish soldier is better than thousand of Soviet soldiers!"

Enraged, the general sends a thousand men, accompanied with tanks, artillery, mortar teams, and tells them to not return until the hill is theirs.

For half an hour hell breaks loose, bombs and explosions, gunfire, screams and death all around, and then it goes silent again.

One Soviet soldier crawls back, severely wounded and battered.

Before the general could say anything, the soldier says -

"Do not send more troops, comrade general, it's a trap! There are two of them."

[vetran]

Person 1 says: I like Eminem
Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles. Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper. Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?

[vetran]

There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big tulip-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sure thing, Mouse!” Their usual routine before the small talk.

One Friday, Mouse hops onto his stool, sips his first beer and looks sideways down the bar. There, at the very end, is this really cute Giraffe. She sees Mouse, looks away a second, then looks back and smiles. Blink, blink. Damn, those big long eyelashes. She is adorable.

Mouse whispers, “Sam! Who’s that?” The bartender explains she just came in awhile ago all by herself. Seems lonely.

Mouse sends her a drink. Giraffe smiles again. Blink, blink.

Minutes later, Mouse shinnies down his stool and climbs up the stool next to the Giraffe. They sit there for an hour, then two, laughing and drinking, having a wonderful time.

Suddenly, Mouse and Giraffe get up and leave the bar together.

The next evening at the bar, 5:15 comes and passes. No Mouse.

Then 6:00. Then 6:30. Very unusual; Sam is concerned.

Around 7 pm, there is an odd thwack against the screen door. Then another. The door shakes and eventually opens a bit and in stumbles Mouse. He is moving slow. His ears curl down, clothes and hair are a mess.

Mouse struggles to climb to the top of the stool and when he finally gets there he sits silently, head in his hands. Sam lays a beer down and doesn’t say anything. Mouse looks like tulip.

Finally, Sam can’t resist. He says “Mouse, what in the world happened to you?”

Mouse takes a big pull off his beer. Finally says, “Sam, remember that Giraffe from last night? The one I left with?”

Sam replies, “Yeah, of course, Mouse. What happened?”

boinkingMouse rolls his eyes, pauses and says, “Oh man, Sam. Between the kissing and the boinking I must have run 400 miles last night.”